Page III
: THE KILLER INSIDE ME to PLAY-MATE OF THE
APES
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THE KILLER INSIDE ME
Directed by Michael
Winterbottom
The second adaptation of Jim Thompson’s 1952 novel of
the same name (the first being Burt Kennedy’s 1976 film
starring Stacy Keach), this new version retains the
mid-century air of Thompson’s tale of small-town
violence, but ratchets up that violence to a truly
shocking level. Only in parts, however; it’s not all one
big blow-up…
The Killer
Inside Me starts off on a deceptively low-key tone
as Central City, Oklahoma deputy Lou Ford (Casey
Affleck) takes a slow drive down country roads to a pay
a visit to local prostitute Joyce Lakeland (Jessica
Alba). The lady lets him in, and as she washes up he
examines the small pearl-handled automatic that she’s
left lying around. Lou gets right to the point, and when
faced with the option of leaving town before sundown or
being run in for prostitution Joyce responds with alley
cat anger. Pitching a fit she begins slapping Lou,
cursing at him and knocking the hat from his head until
he throws her down on the bed and belt-whips her bare
ass. (No doubt some viewers out there will be replaying
this scene a time or two.) This turns into a hot roll in
the hay, and the
Lakeland
woman’s place quickly becomes a regular stop on Lou’s
patrol.
Love seems to blossom, in between bouts of anal
sex, and pretty soon Joyce is trying to entice Lou into
blowing town with her. Money might be an issue, thinks
Lou, but Joyce has an angle for that. It seems Elmer
Conway, son of Conway Construction magnate Chester
Conway (Ned Beatty), is pretty sweet on Joyce, and she
figures she could sucker him for a sizeable stake
towards a new life. Thinking it over, Lou figures this
might be a perfect opportunity to settle an old score or
two of his own at the same time.
Despite Joyce’s attentions Lou’s thoughts are
growing mean, and he admits this, demonstrating by
grinding his lit cigar into the outstretched palm of a
wino begging for a handout. The bum is surprised and
pained, but somehow not intimidated: “You better watch
it with that stuff, Buddy,” he warns as he drifts away
from the deputy.
Lou has been asked to take a late meeting with
shifty labor union representative Joe Rothman (Elias
Koteas), a meeting which concerns Lou’s foster brother
Mike. It seems that back when the brothers were still
boys there was some trouble involving Mike and a young
girl, and Mike had to leave town for a bit. When he came
back he was killed in an accident while on the job for
Conway Construction. And Joe seems to have reason to
believe that Chester Conway was at fault for that.
Perhaps deliberately at fault for that.
Lou blows this off, but it adds to his weighty
train of thought. As he ponders things, Lou flashes back
to a scene from childhood that indicates maybe it wasn’t
Mike after all who caused that trouble so long ago… To
unwind Lou goes home, puts on some opera music and pulls
out a big book. His lady Amy Stanton (Kate Hudson) comes
downstairs and surprises him, Lou not having expected
her to sneak out of her parents’ house and pay him a
visit that evening. She manages to lure him up to bed,
but in return Lou has to submit to a bit of hen-pecking
and the promise of more later for the way he’s been
acting these past couple weeks.
Lou and Joyce continue their games, but he can’t
get Chester Conway out of his mind. When he meets with
Conway another day the businessman makes it clear that,
for the sake of his son Elmer and the reputation of the
family, he expects Lou to take a $10,000 payoff out to
Joyce, “bust her around a bit,” and run her out of the
county. Apparently there’s a bit of blackmail involved;
for the sake of his own reputation, Lou maintains that
Elmer himself should deliver the money as per that
Lakeland
woman’s demands.
That night Lou heads out, pulling off the side of
the road and giving himself a flat tire. He hoofs it
cross-country to Joyce’s place, arriving with an hour or
so to spare before Elmer is supposed to show up with the
cash. This gives the couple a chance for some quality
sack time before she leaves town, and their pillow talk
indicates that the plan is for Lou to meet up with her
and the money in two weeks’ time.
As they get dressed Lou tells Joyce that it was
Chester Conway who had his brother killed. Joyce is
suddenly worried that Lou might do something to Elmer
and get himself caught. But Lou thinks not, and tells
her, “They won’t catch me, baby. They won’t even suspect
me for it, really. They’ll just think he got tanked,
like he usually is, and then you two got to fighting,
and you both got killed.” “Well that doesn’t make any
sense,” says Joyce. “How am I supposed to be dead?”
Lou has been slipping on some black leather
gloves during this talk, and now he goes up and gives
Joyce a pat on the face with one of them. And then
another, and another. Then he lines up good and gives
her a solid couple of shots to the nose. Joyce looks
surprised. “Lou…” He takes the wind out of her with a
hard one to the belly, and a mean uppercut sends her
crashing into the wall. As she sinks to the floor Lou
approaches and punches her in the face over and over
again. (This is actually hard to watch – the sound
effects are brutal.) “I love you,” he pants, pausing to
wipe the sweat from his brow. “I love you,” she moans,
just before he knocks her out. “I love you,” he repeats.
“Goodbye.” You can hear her neck break as he finishes up
with her. Then he kicks her in the tit to make sure
she’s gone. Joyce doesn’t move.
Elmer drives up as Lou is finishing wiping his
face with Joyce’s dressing gown, and Lou lets him go
inside and get a good look at what’s left of her before
he shoots Elmer square in the forehead with Joyce’s
pistol. He pumps a few more into the body, then places
the gun in her hand.
“I’m real sorry, sweetheart,” Lou says as he
strides through the fields on the way back to his car.
But then it’s straight back to the plan, changing the
tire and backing out into the road just as
Chester
himself is driving by. It’s late, over an hour past the
drop-off time, and old
Chester is
wondering just where in hell that son of his is. He
orders Lou to follow him to Joyce’s place, and when Lou
gets inside
Chester is
already on the phone. He’s calling an ambulance for
Joyce – she’s still alive, and he wants her to survive
so she can pay proper.
Lou is under a cloud of suspicion. Not only does
his fiancée Amy suspect that he was screwing that whore
all along, but since the death of
Conway’s son
an out-of-town district attorney, Howard Hendricks
(Simon Baker), has come around, and he’s got some mighty
unpleasant ideas. When
Chester
decides to have Joyce flown to Fort
Worth for proper medical
attention, Lou and Sheriff Bob Maples go with them. And
Lou is firmly under
Conway’s
thumb the entire time.
Joyce is scheduled to have an operation the day
they land, and it’s hoped that she will be able to give
a statement that very night. Lou is sitting around
Chester’s
suite, drinking, smoking and pondering, when Sheriff Bob
walks in. “She’s dead, Lou. She never came out of the
ether.” “Well, that’s that,” Lou practically sighs.
When Lou returns home he’s visited by Rothman,
who sees the deputy as having a motive for the two
killings. What with Lou’s grudge against Chester Conway
and all. Rothman’s not asking for anything just yet, but
his brief visit does provide a shadow of impending
threat.
When Rothman leaves, Lou pulls out his father’s
old bible and sits down with it. When he opens the good
book he finds a set of old black and white photographs
depicting a young girl, naked, with her hands tied
behind her back. Welts clearly stand out on her naked
ass. Lou flashes back again to a similar scenario with
the same girl, doing just like his daddy did.
This disturbing reverie is disturbed further by a
phone call from the station: Johnnie Pappas, a young
rebel whom Lou has taken under his wing as a friend, and
who he’s helped out of trouble before, has been arrested
for passing one of the marked $20 bills from
Conway’s
payoff. A bill Lou passed to the kid as a tip, after
receiving a wad of cash from Elmer for his trouble.
Before the real trouble happened. Johnnie’s in the
county jail, being held for murder, and he wants to talk
to Lou.
Lou talks to him all right. Because, as Johnnie
says, Lou is his friend. “I killed them. I killed both
of them,” Lou tells the lad conspiratorially. “Bet you
had a real good reason, Lou.” “There’s a reason.” “I bet
they had it comin’.” “No,” says Lou. “Nobody has it
comin’ to them. That’s why nobody can see it
comin’.”
Lou leaves the prison, looking pleased with
himself. “Give you any trouble Lou?” asks one of the
screws. “Not at all,” Lou replies. Lou goes home and
fucks Amy, still fantasizing about Joyce. He’s rousted
from bed in the middle of the night by a call from
Hendricks: Johnnie Pappas has hanged himself in his
cell.
“After Johnnie’s death, somethin’ changed. It
wasn’t anything I could put my finger on, but I got the
feeling that people were looking at me in a different
way.”
When Lou goes to pay his respects to Johnnie’s
father Max at his diner, he gets what might be
considered the cold shoulder. As he sits by the side of
the road outside Joyce’s empty house, Rothman slips into
the car and starts in with the not-so-subtle needling.
Rothman suspects Lou might have been out here more than
once before. And despite Lou’s assertion that Johnnie
hanged himself out of guilt or fear over the killings,
Rothman finds it odd that Chester Conway is the one
paying for the remodeling of Max’s diner. And that
Johnnie was buried on sacred church ground, meaning that
his death wasn’t considered a suicide.
And one more thing: one of Rothman’s carpenters
had his wheels stolen on the night of the murders, right
around the same time as the killings took place. Another
member of the Joiner’s Union
happened to buy two of those wheels right after that.
From Johnnie Pappas. “You feelin’ the chill, Lou?”
Rothman is of the opinion that it might be a good idea
if Lou left town.
It looks like Lou is going to do just that. He
asks Amy to elope with him, and she likes the idea. In
the meantime however Lou gets another drop-in visitor.
That bum he lit into with the cigar has come calling,
and it seems he happened to be camping out on the night
of the murders, when he saw Lou cut across the prairie
to that little yellow house where those people were
killed. He wants $5,000. Lou says he’ll have it for him
in two weeks.
Lou continues to see Amy, keeps whipping her ass
and imagining she’s Joyce. Despite everything, “For the
first time in I don’t remember when, my mind was really
free.” It seems Lou’s got everything figured out.
A couple of weeks go by, and Amy arrives at Lou’s
place in her traveling dress, packing a pair of bags.
She’s surprised that Lou doesn’t seem to be ready yet,
but she loves him and she tells him so. Lou spits in her
face and punches her in the stomach. And then again. He
leaves Amy gasping on the floor, moving his shoe out of
the way when her trembling hand reaches out for him. Lou
rips open her blouse and throws her dress up over her
face, then sits down to watch as her urine trickles
across the floor.
That shifty old stew bum shows up for his payoff,
and before Lou goes to answer the door he gives Amy a
couple of bone-crunching kicks. Lou gives the man a
handful of cash, and the blackmailer follows him through
the house for the rest of it. He freaks right out when
he sees Amy’s body lying on the kitchen floor. Lou has
already picked up a carving knife. “You stupid son of a
bitch,” he says to the drifter. “I was gonna marry that
poor little girl.”
The bum rushes out, and Lou is right after him.
But he slips in Amy’s urine and falls on his ass as the
bum gets out of the house. As the man runs down the
street calling for help Lou gives chase, crying,
“Murderer! He killed Amy Stanton! Murderer!” When the
bum crosses the path of another deputy, the officer
shoots him three times. Lou runs up and makes a display
of grief by beating on the bum’s dead body.
Just a little while later Lou wakes up in the
morning to find Deputy Jeff Plummer sitting out on the
porch. He comes bringing the sad news that Bob Maples
shot hisself last night. “And I reckon I know just how
he felt,” Plummer adds. Hendricks joins them, and he’s
chomping at the bit now. Lou planted the money he stole
from Elmer Conway on the drifter, Hendricks thinks, and
tried to frame him for the rape and murder of Amy
Stanton. Lou killed Elmer Conway because of his grudge
against
Chester, and
he killed Joyce Lakeland to keep her quiet. He hanged
Johnnie Pappas to shut him up about the $20. Hendricks
has even made the connection between the bruises on the
bodies of Amy and Joyce.
But Lou is cool as hell, and like Hendricks says,
he has an answer for everything. Everything except for
the letter found in Amy’s purse, a letter she was
planning to give to Lou later, which says that she knows
he’s in trouble but she still really does love him.
Hendricks outright accuses Lou of the murders, even
blaming him for Bob Maples’ suicide. Lou stays frosty
and points the gentlemen to the door. Plummer pulls his
gun and politely asks if Lou is sure that he wouldn’t
rather come with them. He sure did like old Bob, Jeff
did. And that little Miss Amy.
They try to chill Lou out by keeping him in a
cell, the same one that Johnnie died in, but like he
says, he doesn’t mind, it just gives him time to think.
Lou doesn’t even mind it when they transfer him to the
asylum. He’s left alone there for awhile, and pretty
soon he starts to crack. He knows they have some kind of
evidence that he hasn’t completely concealed, and he’s
not sure what it is. He starts seeing things.
One day a commotion in the hospital halls heralds
the arrival of a lawyer, Mr. Walker (a tobacco-chewing
Bill Pullman), who takes Lou out for a drive and a talk.
Lou does talk, and as
Walker pulls
up into Lou’s driveway he asks if Mr. Ford would like
him to come inside with him. Lou declines. “I got an
idea that…it won’t be long now.”
And it ain’t. As events steamroll towards a head
there’s more than one surprise coming, even for Lou. It
all comes down to a wild and psychotically romantic
climax, one that perfectly encapsulates the entire
film.
The slow pace and easygoing manner of the
characters gives the film a simmering quality, boiling
up into moments of brutality that you can’t always see
coming. There’s an undeniably misogynistic tone
throughout, but the emphasis isn’t particularly on the
hatred of women, the violence instead exemplifying
Ford’s absolute embodiment of the qualities of a
complete sociopath. And his utter nihilism.
I’m not a big fan of Casey Affleck, his boyish
face and whispery, almost cowed delivery being
immediately off-putting, but here he plays the most
sick, fucked-up son-of-a-bitch imaginable, and he really
pulls it off. He is the gentleman lawman, gone
completely psychotic. And Alba may not have much range,
but she always looks good. Well, except for when she’s
getting the shit knocked out of her. Then again, some
people probably like that.
Cool country/western rock ‘n roll soundtrack,
too.
Now go read the book.
Bonus features include brief “Making of” segments
with Affleck, Alba and Hudson.
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THE
KILLER SNAKES
Directed
by Runme Shaw
Man, who woulda
thought that a mid-budget HK flick about some geek’s
friendship with snakes would turn out to be such a
perv-fest? Well, maybe anyone who watched the B&W
pre-credits footage, wherein a young boy, upon hearing
his momma begging for a whipping in the bedroom, begins
to pet his snake, literally . .
.
Fast-forward to
gruesome color footage in which a live cobra is having
its gallbladder removed, to be served with wine as a
virility drink to some flashy cat and his
love-you-long-time girl. The wounded animal crawls next
door, into the shantytown shack of our main guy Zhihong.
A bullied and emotionally challenged delivery boy,
Zhihong has plastered his hovel with bondage photos and
titty pictures and appears to masturbate into milk
bottles, but he is able to patch up the snake and is
soon treating it like a new best friend (“You seem to
understand me . . . I’m not like them.”). Zhihong even
gives his serpentine buddy a name, Xiaobiao, and soon
the snake is bringing other injured reptiles to
Zhihong’s shack for treatment (“I’ve found another
friend!”).
Soon Zhihong’s
menagerie has grown considerably, as has the helpless
rage he feels as he continues to fail every social test
to which he is put. Often receiving a beating for his
ignorance and incompetence, Zhihong just as often throws
a fit of retarded rage out of frustration at his own
impotence. When he thinks his would-be girlfriend
Xiujuan stands him up for a date at the movies, when in
fact she’s been distracted by her dying father, his
anger reaches new heights. Trashing Xiujuan’s vending
stand isn’t enough to assuage his grief, and as his
masturbatory fantasies have been becoming increasingly
more sadistic even the coils of his scaly friends aren’t
enough to soothe him tonight. In an effort at release
Zhihong goes looking for Jinyan the whore, even though
she was responsible for having him beaten and robbed
earlier. After a hasty and inadequate attempt at sex
Zhihong is scolded out the door, but is followed shortly
thereafter by Jinyan and her henchmen who think he may
have even more money. As Zhihong is being brutally
beaten (yet again) and searched in the alley, Xiabiao
comes to his defense and viciously bites the
now-terrified muggers to death (“Bite him dead!”).
Jinyan has only fainted however, and Zhihong finds
himself captivated by her unconscious body . .
.
When she wakes up
some time later, naked, bound, and gagged in Zhihong’s
shack, Jinyan finds him licking away at her, an object
of his fantasies come to life. After sucking and
pinching Jinyan a bit more Zhihong proceeds to let his
snake buddies play with her too, and there is a
disturbing shot of one of them disappearing between
Jinyan’s legs. Oddly she begins moaning in ecstasy
before beginning to writh in horror, and as Zhihong
flashes back to watching his pop flog and screw his mom
he excitedly urges the snakes to finish her off (“Bite
her! Bite her!”).
But, after stashing
Jinyan’s carcass, Zhihong is still not satisfied. “I
want more snakes – more!” Breaking through the brick
wall between his hovel and Mr. Zhou’s snake salon
Zhihong uses a series of boards to unlatch the snake
cages, then leaves the boards in place to serve as
ladders for the reptiles. At Xiaobiao’s urging the
reptiles crawl out of captivity and into Zhihong’s
friendly clutches. Unfortunately Mr. Zhou has heard some
of the ruckus this involved, and when he sees what is
transpiring he rushes over to beat on Zhihong. There is
a brief but frenzied battle as Zhou becomes unnerved at
the sight of the dead hooker, but before long the snakes
are helping Zhihong fight back, launching themselves at
Zhou in strike after poisonous strike. Zhihong loads
both bodies into a laundry basket and hauls them over to
Zhou’s shop (losing Zhou once along the way), where he
drapes the owner in his own merchandise and leaves the
hooker for the police to puzzle
over.
Xiujuan meanwhile has
had to sell herself out as a dancing girl. Her good
friend Fangfang has also arranged to sell Xiujuan’s
virginity to Baochun, a sleazy old cat with an eye for
young whores. When Zhihong spies him taking a drunken
Xiujuan away for consummation he chases Fangfang down
and gives her the Jinyan treatment. Stripped and bound,
when Fangfang won’t tell Zhihong where Xiujuan has been
taken he sics a pair of small komodo dragons on her to
loosen her tongue. Upon hearing that Xiujuan has been
taken to a Love Motel in Kowloon Tong Zhihong begins
cutting Fangfang’s bonds, but when this gets a little
too touchy-feely for her she bites his hand and gets
slapped in the face for her resistance. This sends
Fangfang into a writhing heat, and moaning “Hit me! Hit
me!” she tears off Zhihong’s shirt and goes after him in
a fit of lust. Zhihong takes her down to the floor, but
finishes so quickly that even he is dissatisfied and
allows the lizards to finish her
off.
At
the Love Motel in Kowloon Tong, Xiujuan is about to be
deflowered. Baochun strips the drunken girl naked and
takes her, an act which she actually seems to enjoy, but
during round two, after he pops a pill, pulls on a
dragon-headed French tickler, and does her in the butt,
Xiujuan passes right out. His work there finished
Baochun takes off, leaving Xiujuan’s naked body lying on
the bed for Zhihong to find. As he hugs the unconscious
girl to him Zhihong imagines her life becoming one of
hardened, happy whoredom, and can only come to one
conclusion – “I think you’d be better off dead.” Pulling
out his ever-handy snake Zhihong lets Xiaobiao bite the
girl, and as he watches her die vows to exact revenge
upon those who led her to this sorry
end.
Instead of hanging
himself straightaway, Zhihong loads up his reptiles and
carts them over to a sleeping Baochun’s apartment. A
literal wave of serpents is unleashed upon the man who
stole Xiujuan’s cherry, crawling up the stairs towards
his bedroom with evil intent. When something awakens
Baochun he throws back the covers to find himself lying
in a sea of snakes, and tumbles out of bed only to be
bitten in the face and neck time and time again. Even
throwing himself through an ornamental window doesn’t
help him escape, as the snakes slither after him down to
the lower level of his home. In a last stand Baochun
pulls an ornamental sword from the wall and, as the
cobras launch themselves at hiim, cuts the snakes in two
and sends the halves squirming to the ground. Baochun
soon joins them, the overdose of venom he has received
causing him to collapse, vomiting and purple-faced. At
this point Zhihong steps in to deliver the killing blow,
releasing a giant boa constrictor upon Baochun as he
blames the man for Xiujuan’s
death.
Not
long after this, police officials pay a call to
Zhihong’s shanty. They want a word with the little
weasel, but suspecting the worst Zhihong hides his scaly
friends and himself away and watches as the officers
search through his tiny rathole. The heat is on now,
Zhihong realizes, and he knows he must save his good
friends the snakes. In much the same way that he saved
Xiujuan; by taking all of the animals out to a vacant
lot, piling them into a stack of Sunkist Lemon cartons,
dousing them with kerosine, and applying a match.
Zhihong watches his good friends twist and coil in the
flames, then returns home and goes to
bed.
That night the sound
of breaking crockery disturbs Zhihong’s sleep. Upon
investigating he is surprised to see Xiaobiao, badly
blistered but still alive. Thinking the snake has
returned out of friendship Zhihong reaches out for his
little buddy, only to receive another surprise –
“Xiaobiao you bit me!” As Zhihong reels back to avoid
another strike he falls to the floor, which is now
crawling with angry undead reptiles. When he struggles
to his feet he is covered from head to toe with the
angry biting creatures, and his screams fade out the
film.
Creepy, perverted,
violent, and tragic – all of the perfect ingredients for
a Hong Kong special. Fine cinematography captures
Zhihong’s lurid, twisted, red-hued fantasies, the
squalid over-crowded conditions of urban Hong Kong, and
simple indoor sets all equally well. The violent beating
and snakebite scene in the alley, littered with refuse
and splashed with neon lighting from the surrounding
establishments, is particularly colorful and gritty. The
sweaty, atmospherically lighted bondage scenes ain’t too
bad either. And like numerous other films in the HK
arena, The Killer Snakes takes care to delve into the
background and psychological damage experienced by the
deranged main character, giving more body to the story
rather than concentrating solely upon the fetishistic
aspects of sex, death, and reptiles. And bondage, lots
of bondage. While I can’t tell whether the snakes and
lizards returning for revenge in the finale are supposed
to be zombie animals or have just escaped the worst of
the flames, either way it’s a fitting end to a most
unusual film. I understand there’s another HK flick in a
similar vein, about killer centipedes . . . gotta find
that one!
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KNOWING
Directed by Alex
Proyas
Now this is a two-hour shit-stabbing if I ever sat
through one: hours of an aging Nicolas Cage running
around trying to save the world and managing to look
more and more like a balding wrinkled nutsack as he does
so. The trailers gave Knowing a
definite apocalyptic flair, and the film does have that
in spades; unfortunately there are only three of these
scenes in the entire movie. Are they worth it? You be
the judge.
Oh yeah, by the way, I’m gonna spoil the shit out
of the ending. On purpose. You’ll know why. If you’d
rather not be cheated, just ignore the film and this
review altogether. M’kay?
It begins back in 1959, where a spooky little
girl named Lucinda Embry (Lara Robinson) has come up
with the winning entry for the dedication ceremony of
William
Dawes
Elementary
School. It’s a time capsule,
and the idea is that all of the kids in the class will
each draw a picture for the children of the future to
share when the capsule is opened years from now. But
instead of drawing rocket ships Lucinda covers a sheet
of paper, front and back, with a continuous string of
apparently random numbers. Maybe it’s all of that time
she spends staring directly into the sun, but then again
it could be that she’s being guided by the whispering
voices she hears. So intent upon her project is she in
fact that her teacher Ms. Taylor actually has to tear
the page away from her so that it can be sealed for
burial. A little while later Lucinda is found in a
closet, scratching numbers into the door with her
fingernails…
Flash forward 50 years (Really? Are you sure you
don’t want to make a mini-series out of this?), and
uber-drunk John Koestler (Nicolas Cage) is playing
single father to bratty, precocious, half-deaf,
vegetarian twerp Caleb (Chandler Canterbury). And
teaching dispiriting classes on astrophysics at the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology. When the time
capsule is opened to celebrate “50 Years of Education”
and the envelopes containing the mid-century students’
artwork are passed out to the class of today, Caleb
receives Lucinda’s envelope and the accompanying
character string. And it’s at about this same time that
whispering strangers start to show up and shadow the
boy.
That night, through the brilliance of a drunken
accident, John starts dicking around with the number
string on Lucinda’s legacy. And in no time at all he
discovers that many of the figures represent dates and
casualty counts related to infamous accidents and
disasters: 9/11/01/2996, for a glaring example. Other
numbers remain unexplained, but what troubles John the
most is that some of the dates haven’t yet passed. In
fact, one falls on tomorrow’s date, with the numbers
predicting that 81 people will die.
John stays up all night channel surfing, looking
for the news report of the scheduled disaster. With no
results. It isn’t until he’s stuck in traffic, in the
rain, on the way to pick up his kid that catastrophe
strikes. And when it does it hits right in front of him;
just as his GPS clues him in to the fact that the
mystery numbers stand for latitude and longitude, a
jetliner comes hurtling out of the sky, striking an
electrical tower and scraping a wing across the crowded
freeway before crashing and burning in a nearby
field.
John goes running straight into the flaming
debris to help, but he is simply overwhelmed by the
sight of so many passengers burning alive. In fact, as
he watches one group of survivors fleeing the wreckage
of the main cabin, they are suddenly engulfed in an
enormous fireball of an explosion. Emergency crews
arrive and push John aside, where he can only stand in
shock, staring at the flames and burning bodies all
around him.
Afterwards John is a little more than a little
bit shaken up. Not only because he watched multiple
people burn to death, but because he’s sure that it was
no coincidence that he happened to be right there when
the accident took place. He’s convinced that the numbers
are a warning meant for him – and there are still two
disasters yet to take place. (Well, three if you count
the widespread release of this film.)
John continues to delve into the origin of the
sheet of code, more intent than ever on preventing the
upcoming disasters. Although Lucinda Embry died years
ago a newspaper obituary provides her married name, and
John soon begins to stalk her daughter Diana (Rose
Byrne) and Diana’s daughter Abby (Lara Robinson). And,
in the hope that Diana can shed some additional light on
the situation, John takes Caleb along with him to the
aquarium for a contrived meeting with Diana and Abby.
But upon speaking with him Diana quickly decides that
she doesn’t want anything to do with some crackpot
theorist who reeks of single malt digging into her
family history, and the meeting ends abruptly. So, John
goes home and gets his gun.
Dumping Caleb at his sister Grace’s place, John
plots the coordinates of the next anticipated tragedy
and heads into
Manhattan.
Going down into a subway station he chases a
suspicious-looking character onto one of the trains, but
by the time he realizes that the guy is just a
shoplifter the doors have shut and the train starts to
move. Just as another train heading toward them at speed
is shunted onto the same track due to an electrical
malfunction. The oncoming train hits at force, leaping
the track and literally tearing through the subway
platform, grinding a host of commuters to jelly as it
does so. John is unharmed, but just as predicted many
others are not.
Now be forewarned; the end of the world may be
nigh, but the film is only half over. You’re going to
have to sit through almost an hour of talky bullshit
before Armageddon arrives. So you may want to get up and
get a drink now.
Later that evening when John brings Caleb home he
finds Diana and Abby camping out on his front porch.
When the kids go inside Diana tells him that the last
date on the sheet, 10/19/09, is a date her mother
often spoke of: it’s the day Diana’s supposed to
die.
John drives them all out to Lucinda’s home, left
largely untouched since she committed suicide by
overdose when Diana was nine. Leaving the sleeping
children in the car to be approached by the whispering
people, John and Diana enter the house and begin to poke
around. In doing so John comes across a bedframe that
explains the curious backwards ‘E’s at the end of the
number string: scratched into the underside of the wood
are the words “Everyone Else,” repeated over and over
again. And the date for that final event is
tomorrow’s.
Summoned by the sound of the car horn the parents
rush back outside, where John pulls his handgun and
chases the whispering people off into the woods.
Cornering one of them John demands to know what they
want, whereupon the man turns around and opens his
mouth, emitting a burst of light that leaves John
stunned and helpless. Once he recovers and takes them
all back home, Diana admits that the whispering fellows
have been following she and Abby for some time.
In the morning John visits a colleague at the
observatory and, based upon something that Abby said
before, begins looking at the projected activity of
solar super-flares. And it looks like one is scheduled
to occur later that day; one that would completely
destroy the earth’s ozone layer.
Diana tells John about a little-known cave system
where they might be safe, and it sounds like a good idea
to him. But upon finding Caleb in a trance, desperately
scrawling out his own series of numbers, John decides to
make a pit stop at Dawes Elementary. Breaking into the
building he miraculously manages to find the door that
Lucinda was clawing at 50 years ago, and tearing it from
its hinges he hauls it back home. As an increasingly
frantic Diana protests John begins scraping away a
recent layer of paint, explaining that Lucinda must have
added another set of coordinates after she was prevented
from completing her list. John is now looking for that
final portion of the code, but as he works away Diana
loads the kids into her car and hits the road. By the
time John uncovers the numbers and plugs the coordinates
into his cell phone application, he realizes that he’s
all alone.
On the way to the caves Diana stops at a gas
station and catches an emergency broadcast on the
mini-mart’s television. Warning of the increasing
severity of solar activity, the transmission instructs
citizens to stock up on supplies and find underground
shelter. While she’s inside Caleb sneaks out to call
Dad, and when Diana finds him she takes the phone and is
told by John that the new numbers reflect the location
of Lucinda’s mobile home; that’s where they need to go.
Diana is insistent upon the caves, despite John’s
warning that the radiation will penetrate a mile
underground, and as they argue back and forth the
whispering people show up and drive away with the
children.
Diana steals another car and gives chase, only to
be broadsided by a lumber truck when she runs a red
light. John shows up at the gas station just as
widespread panic is setting in, and getting some
information from the attendant he goes after Diana. He
finds her in the back of an ambulance at the crash site,
given up on as unresponsive by the EMTs.
Somehow following the trail of shiny black
pebbles that have been popping up throughout the film,
John manages to track the whispering people to an
isolated woodland location. He finds them, along with
the kids who tell him that everything is all right; it
was the whispering people who originally sent the code
to Lucinda half a century ago with the goal of saving
the children. And now the children must leave the planet
with them in order to start over and save the human
race. All of this as a gigantic spacecraft appears and
drifts down to earth and the whispering people
metamorphose into angelic extraterrestrial beings and
carry the children away into the heavens, followed by an
array of innumerable identical ships.
Of course the adults can’t go, so John is left to
sizzle on the baking planet. There’s the requisite bit
of weepy family reunion horseshit before this happens of
course, and by now the audience is truly primed for an
epic disaster. And, after a lot of fancy CGI work and
more scenes of civil unrest, and some unnecessary
Christian nonsense about this not really being the end,
the end of the world does arrive in the form of a
massive firestorm that sweeps the Earth, turning people
and buildings into cinders in seconds. There’s some
additional religious allegory about a new
Eden, and
thank fuck that’s all over.
And are you fucking kidding me? If I would have
paid to see this I think I would have shat directly in
my seat. For fucksake, that’s even worse than the ending
in Poltergeist
II when Grandma’s angel comes out to save the family
from the H.R. Giger preacherman monster. Lousy alien
intervention ending, with the hokey Christian symbolism
smeared all over it like shit on a wafer.
Three scenes of awesome and horrible tragedy,
loaded with calamitous special effects and literally
thousands of deaths, each rather horrible in its own
way. But scattered throughout interminable chatty
candy-ass nonsense that ends, again (can’t make this
point enough), with some religious Close Encounters
/ Sphere
Rapture garbage? What the hell kind of Disney-fried
chickenshit is that? Sure, there are some pretty strong
“Disaster Sequences (and) Disturbing Images” for a PG-13
flick, but the majority of this falls under the heading
of substandard storytelling. (Way to exploit 9/11
though, dicks.) Because what’s more horrific than CGI
victimization but needless talkiness, made ultimately
more needless by the contrived special interest
ending.
Plus it’s one of those films structured around
some fuckin’ little brat you’d rather see fed to the
rats in New
Delhi than watch bouncing around
onscreen, so you can expect some big time disappointment
here. Like Eddie Furlong in Terminator 2;
who the fuck tells the Terminator NOT to kill people?!
Shit!
It’s been as long since Proyas has made a good
movie as it has since Cage has starred in one; let’s
just say this is no winning combination of The Crow and Wild at Heart.
And nowhere near as funny as Vampire’s
Kiss.
Special features include an audio commentary by
director Proyas, and “Knowing All: The Making of a
Futuristic Thriller,” which at 12 minutes long was 12
minutes longer than I had to spare. There’s also
“Visions of the Apocalypse” in which a number of
‘experts’ give their opinion on apocalyptic thought –
skipped that one too.
One point for the disasters. I’d give it another
for the end of the world, but that’s just too much.
|
|
KONGA
Directed
by John
Lemont
Crikey but this is a
ripping good yarn. You never really have too many giant
killer monkey movies, you know. Especially ones filmed
through the miracle of
“SPECTAMATION!”
A plane flies over some trees and bursts into
flame, and famous English botanist Dr. Charles Decker
(Michael Gough) is missing and presumed dead in the
course of a research expedition to Uganda. But the
mighty Doctor returns a year later, and at an airport
news conference tells the tale of being taken in and
sheltered by the Bogandas, natives “distantly related to
the Bantu tribe.” Accompanying Dr. Decker out of the
jungle is Konga, the loyal young chimpanzee Decker
credits with leading him out of the jungle and into the
tribal village. Not a very threatening little beast for
such dramatic title music . . . yet. Finding that the
experience has allowed him to make unprecedented
advances in the field of ethnobotanical research, Dr.
Decker is in remarkably good spirits for someone who
hasn’t seen a piece of toast or toilet paper in an
entire year.
Of
his newfound discoveries, Dr. Decker says, “It made me
think of the crash as a lucky accident.” Well, except
for his pilot, who failed to bail out in time and was
burned to death in the crash. But no matter, science
marches on. Dr. Decker’s study of the region’s rare
indigenous carnivorous plant life has yielded some
rather startling scientific fruit: “I’m on the verge of
a revolutionary link between what grows in the earth and
animal life . . . But at this time I’d rather not say
anything more about it.”
In
no time at all Decker is back at his estate, sucking
down brandy in the company of Margaret (Margo Johns),
his “secretary, assistant, housekeeper, confidante, and
most of all, my good friend.” (Psst . . . they have an
illegitimate relationship . . .) In the presence of such
a good friend Decker allows his more megalomaniacal side
to show, practically evangelizing as he boasts that,
“Through Konga not only will I dominate a corner of the
earth, but blaze a new trail through science. That
little chimp will become the first link in modern
evolution between plant and animal life.” (Maybe he
really did miss that toast and toilet paper after all
. .
.)
Decker starts in on
his new mad science project right away, ripping the
carefully cultivated flowers out of his greenhouse to
make room for the rare carnivorous plants he’s brought
back from the jungle. Plants introduced to him by a
“jungle witch doctor” as having “human properties.” The
next morning Decker goes on some more about the
miraculous properties of the plants, as well as the
witch doctor’s occult knowledge and the control he held
over his village. While using parts of these plants to
mix up a special serum Decker accidentally allows some
of it to boil over onto the floor, and when his housecat
Tavis begins lapping up some of the mess Decker pulls
out that most essential of scientific implements, a
revolver, and shoots the tomcat dead on the spot. When
the horrified Margaret protests, Decker savagely
upbraids her, making the determined point that he will
not have “the biggest experiment of my life menaced by a
cat . . . even those few drops could have made Tavis
swell up to huge proportions!” Decker drops a towel over
the bloody mess of his pet, planning to bury him in the
garden later that night.
Before long Decker’s
greenhouse is in full bloom again, the carnivorous
plants thriving in their new environment. Twitching away
with eerie Triffid-like life, the gigantic pitcher
plants, Venus Flytraps, and more are fed chunks of raw
meat. Taking a few clippings Decker cooks up a new batch
of serum and injects Konga with it, standing back to
watch as the screen flickers and rolls and the little
chimp triples in size.
Success!
Back in his classroom
at Essex College, Dr. Decker shows his botany class some
National Geographic footage of the Bogandas he shot in
the jungle. (“Incidentally, it was a stroke of luck I
could rescue my camera and part of my equipment when I
bailed out . . .”) When class is dismissed Decker takes
busty blonde apple-polisher Sandra (Claire Gordon)
aside. “I can’t get over how you’ve grown,” he says,
leering at her cleavage. “But in you it’s more than that
. . . there’s a maturity about you now Sandra. And how
pretty you’ve grown.” Sandra laps these compliments
right up, speaking of how excited she is to be working
with Dr. Decker and how he has inspired her in her
studies. Of course, “I would like to guide you in your
development,” Decker says. And, of course, “There will
be extra-curricular experiments . .
.”
Soon afterwards Dr.
Decker has a meeting with Essex College Dean Foster,
regarding his public remarks about evolutionary links
between plant life and human beings. Dean Foster will
brook no controversial material being taught at his
institution, and suggests Decker take a sabbatical until
he has fully recovered from his jungle exertions. But
being the brilliantly unstable genius that he is Decker
doesn’t take kindly to any questioning of his theories
or methods, and an argument breaks out wherein an
ultimatum is delivered by Dean Foster: “So long as I am
Dean of this College you shall do as I say!” With these
fateful words dramatic orchestral music flares, and Dr.
Decker storms out.
Konga is still coming
along nicely, and in fact the mutated little chimp is
even serving tea now. Decker, still fuming over his
encounter with the dean, isn’t as impressed by this
advancement as he might be, and in a burst of paranoid
determination he shoots up his monkey friend with the
latest batch of serum. This latest mixture has
horrendous consequences, as Konga changes again, this
time growing into a . . . a . . . a man in a gorilla
suit! Decker sets to work hypnotizing the big beast,
instilling in Konga the will to follow his orders
explicitly. “After all, we know each other much better
than the world suspects.” (What the hell does that
imply? I think I hear native drums beating to the tune
of “Jungle Love.”) It is revenge and not tea that Konga
will be serving up now, as Decker’s first test of the
monkey’s new strength and obedience will be the paying
of a visit to Dean Foster . .
.
Police are baffled as
they contemplate who could possibly have torn off
Foster’s head (unfortunately this is no Night of the Bloody
Apes, so we don’t actually witness Foster’s
decapitation), and can only conclude that this is the
random act of, “A powerful, cunning, ruthless animal
that somehow is at large.” Margaret knows better
however, and confronts her Doctor Decker the very next
morning. “You killed Dean Foster!” And in order to
ensure her silence, despite Decker’s absurd
rationalizations (“You know I had to sooner or later. I
would have been forced to kill someone through Konga,
just to prove I was right, just to make my experiment a
success.”) and everything else, Margaret wants their
relationship legitimized. “I want you to marry me!”
Decker agrees, with all of the warmth and emotion he
showed during his last conversation with
Konga.
At
an evening party held at the Decker home, the good
Doctor happens to have a discussion with one Professor
Tagore, who as it turns out has not only been pursuing a
course of research parallel to that of Decker’s but is
on the verge of publishing his results. Tagore dodges
Decker’s desperately weasel-like attempt at a scientific
partnership, but nevertheless invites Decker to his home
later that night for further discourse. And of course
Decker doesn’t arrive alone; as Konga tears up the
Professor and his laboratory, Decker collects Tagore’s
notes and makes away with his dead rival’s
work.
A
day or so later Decker takes his class on, “A field trip
to study mosses and ferns. It’s not a picnic, though I
don’t object to your enjoying it.” Decker starts
enjoying it right away, squiring Sandra away from her
boyfriend Bob to sit up in the cab of the truck with
him. Separated from the rest of the students in the
back, Decker puts on the moves. “I’ve looked forward to
this trip very much. You know Sandra, I don’t always
think of you as a student, a pupil. That’s really why
I’ve been so full of . . . anticipation. We’ll have all
day. Perhaps we can carve out a little time . . . I
mean, just for ourselves.” This special attention is
something Bob highly resents, and when he himself
manages to carve out a little time with Sandra he tells
her so. Lurking nearby, Dr. Decker listens
in.
Not
much later, just before the truck returns the class to
the university, Bob carves out a little time with Dr.
Decker, knocking him to the ground and nearly strangling
him when Decker refuses to heed Bob’s childish demands
that he leave Sandra alone. Relizing his mistake Bob
recants and apologizes, something Decker grudgingly
seems to accept. For now . . . That evening as Bob sets
out on his scooter for a study date with Sandra, he’s
waylaid by Konga with fatal results. Waiting nearby with
the truck is Decker, who provides a quick and easy
getaway for his simian
minion.
At
the breakfast table the next morning Margaret is
terribly upset by this latest development. As she rails
against another useless death and Decker’s hypocrisy, he
cooly cuts her off and goes on to rationalize the
murder. “Margaret, if there’s one thing I can’t abide
it’s hysterics. Especially in the morning . . . A great
scientific experiment is being conducted by me.” Despite
his murderously self-serving justifications however,
Margaret still won’t leave him. Instead she is concerned
for his, and their, safety. Upon hearing her small voice
of reason Decker realizes that it might be time to cut
things short there in England, and decides to destroy
his experiment and move his laboratory out of range of
the police investigation. Far out of range, in fact; all
the way to Africa.
But
first there are appearances to be kept up, and this
means attending his student’s funeral. And, apparently,
inviting the murdered boy’s girlfriend over for dinner
afterwards, the better to console the poor dear. As
Margaret clears away the teacups Decker takes Sandra out
to the greenhouse to brag about his blossoms. But,
“Don’t get too close my dear! There’s danger in that
hungry plant! It thrives on meat . . .” Says Margaret,
“It’s strange, and very frightening!” More strange and
frightening however are Decker’s intentions, as he takes
the young girl by the hand and, in a rather oily way,
offers her the position of his assistant. “Poor
Margaret” is no longer of any use to him, you see, and
besides, “I need a young, fresh mind like yours.
Besides, I require more than just a laboratory
assistant. Sondra, I need you. To work with me. To be
with me!” And with that Decker pounces all over her
young, fresh, um, mind. (Guess the Venus Flytrap isn’t
the only thing in the greenhouse hungry for meat . .
.)
Margaret, justifiably
suspicious of Decker’s sudden interest in the girl whose
boyfriend Decker has just had killed, has been listening
to all of this, and she knows exactly what it means.
She’s bushmeat! Konga’s going Gargantua on her ass
unless she nips this situation in the bud, which she
quickly does by paying a visit to the big monkey and
hypnotizing him the same way Decker did. Commanding the
great ape to heed her every word, Margaret shoots him up
with some more of the good stuff saying, “After this
Konga it will be easier for you to obey me. It will
bring you more power, greater strength, and you shall
use it all as I have instructed. Go, Konga!” Go Konga
indeed, as through the miracle of SPECTAMATION Konga
blows up to a height of twelve feet tall. Developing an
attitude to match, Konga thrashes the lab before, in a
nightmare of scale, he reaches down and grabs the
shrieking Margaret (or at least the red-headed doll
meant to represent her). Margaret’s doll is thrown into
the flaming wreckage the laboratory has become as Konga
continues to grow, breaking through the lab’s ceiling
and soon dwarfing, and demolishing, the entire
building.
Decker meanwhile has
been promising Sandra “a glory greater than any woman
has ever known” between his assaults, but his intense
creepiness, enhanced by the humidity of the greenhouse
and the mashing of his leathery face against hers, has
the girl rather unnerved. When Konga’s gigantic monkey
puss looms through the greenhouse ceiling she flips out
completely, accidentally straying into range of the
giant Venus Flytrap which promptly chomps down on her
arm. Sandra screams hysterically as her arm dissolves in
the plant’s spiny foaming maw, while at the same time
the giant ape reaches down a gigantic paw and snares Dr.
Decker.
Decker cries out for
help as Konga carries him into town, horrifying the tiny
citizens as he strides about, pretty much just waiting
for the military to move in and finish him off.
(“There’s a huge monster gorilla that’s constantly
growing to outlandish proportions loose in the
streets!”) Puny mortals flee in terror as Konga stomps
toward Big Ben, and by the time armed forces arrive the
gorilla is now something like twenty stories tall.
Ignoring Decker’s Fly-like pleas of “Help me!” as well
as the close proximity of the crowd, now lined up along
the street as if awaiting a parade, the army begins
firing anti-aircraft guns and bazookas at the mighty
Konga. Tracers lash the night while Konga just stands
there roaring like the big dumb ape that he is, until
finally hurling the Doctor’s doll at his military
oppressors. Eventually Konga succumbs, falling to the
ground as dramatic music plays and Big Ben’s tower peals
out its twelve strokes. At his death Konga changes,
werewolf-like, back into his original tiny form to lie
helpless beside his creator in death. The
End.
How
about that, huh? Nothing truly startling and unusual
here, but a giant monkey’s a giant monkey and you’ve
gotta take those where you can get ‘em. The casting is
all more than adequate, the actors giving appropriately
emphatic performances for the period, and delivering
some ridiculously excellent lines along the way
(“There’s a huge monster gorilla that’s constantly
growing to outlandish proportions loose in the
streets!”). In short, it’s a good time. Enough
said.
|
|
LAST EXIT
Directed by David
Bourke
Didn’t have too much advance information on this Danish
indie thriller – even the box cover wasn’t giving
anything away. Last Exit; ghost
story? Tragic romance? Drug drama-slash-road trip? Some
sort of a Last
Exit to Copenhagen? Only one way to find
out…
Married couple Nigel (Morten Vogelvis) and Maria
(Jette Philipsen) have a distant and most
uncomplimentary relationship. He’s a borderline
alcoholic porn fan and she’s a closet junkie, and
between their separate habits they rarely see one
another, let alone spend any ‘quality time’
together.
Which seems to suit Nigel just fine. Chronically
unemployed and still hiding out from the aftershocks of
a failed drug deal in another city, Nigel appears
content to drink his beer and watch his lesbian porn
long after his wife has gone to bed. But when his seedy
one-eyed friend Tobias tips him off about a job
possibility offering “very good money,” Nigel is
intrigued. Tobias’ description of the work is a little
shady but it would mean cash money under the table,
something a man in Nigel’s position finds hard to
refuse.
Agreeing to the as-yet-unspecified job, Nigel is
brought before an enigmatic kingpin-like character known
only as “The President” (Peter Otteson, who is,
appropriately, most often shown seated against the
backdrop of a suicidally violent action painting). And,
not without some rather sinister undertones, Nigel is
given his first assignment, one that sounds like a
cakewalk. All he has to do is stow fifty unmarked boxes
in his apartment for two weeks, in exchange for which he
receives 10,000 kroner on the spot. In addition to this
sizeable advance he’s also plied with a date with The
President’s pet, Tanya (Gry Bay, who also performs a
pair of the film’s songs), an exotic dancer who is, to
say the least, exceedingly friendly. Friendly enough in
fact to easily bat aside Nigel’s feeble protests of
marital fidelity and convince him to go back to her
place for vodka and sex.
And with that Nigel’s life appears to improve.
His cash windfall not only ensures that Tanya will want
to keep him around but may also help buy his way out of
trouble with the underworld faction back home. A faction
that has threatened the life of the wife and child he
ran away from when his big deal went sour. There’s even
money to spare for weed, which fuels both a spacey
conversation with overly verbose drug dealer Jimmy
(Nicholas Sherry) and a psychedelic video-splashed
session of wild tantric sex with the enthusiastic Tanya.
Everything’s gravy until the boxes Nigel was
holding are retrieved by The President’s men, and it’s
discovered that instead of the specialty videos they
were supposed to contain they’re loaded with blank
cassettes. Oddly The President doesn’t hold this against
Nigel, and even gives him another similar assignment
right away. A proffered kidnapping gig however proves
too much for Nigel, and the aura of menace that’s been
escalating since meeting The President causes our boy to
lose it. Drunk and high he ends up raping Tanya, but
it’s not the rape she minds so much as the fact that
Nigel tries to leave her afterward. Considerably upset
Tanya brains him with a can of beans and when Nigel
comes to, awakened by a cell phone call from his wife,
he finds Tanya slumped down in the kitchen with her
wrists slit.
Maria, meanwhile, is
urgently trying to summon Nigel home in order to share
some news with him. What she plans to tell him when he
arrives is that she’s pregnant, and she hopes this will
be enough to restart, or at least repair, their
increasingly damaged marriage. But while she cleans the
house, throws out her dope and makes herself up for her
husband, Nigel wanders the streets in a daze, getting
progressively more fucked up on guilt, grass and booze.
By the time he gets home he is in no condition for
family planning, and when he hears the news it hits him
hard enough to send him reeling toward his very own Last
Exit.
And there’s still a
sizeable portion of the film left to go, but to detail
Nigel’s descent would inevitably prove to be something
of a spoiler. Suffice it to say that things go wrong,
very wrong.
Last
Exit possesses a very music-rich soundtrack
(comprised largely of pieces by Fabio Testa and Jacob
Moth), loaded with modern techno tunes and sweet
Euro-pop that nicely match the frenetically dreamy
motion of camera and characters as they swing through
darkened neon-scrawled environments at an oddly-angled
pace conveying the impression of drug-induced delirium.
The “foreign” atmosphere and imagery evoked by the
Danish streets and settings adds a good deal of exotic
local color to the picture, which when combined with the
lurid pink/orange/yellow color scheme makes for a film
that borders on the hallucinogenic. But not in a happy
hippie way at all, as Nigel’s last days can attest.
The film also contains some brutal, if not overly
explicit, violence, as well as at least one borderline
Blue Velvet
moment (the scene in which Tanya table-dances for Nigel
while an unfortunate member of the President’s henchmen
has his eye carved out in the adjoining room, all to the
tune of “Nice Work If You Can Get It”). And I, for one,
appreciate a film wherein one of the recurring motifs is
a great big can of pork & beans.
But despite
containing all of the requisite underworld characters
and plot elements, there’s still something missing from
Last Exit.
Drugs, crime, desperation, cheap sex, lies, torture,
murder, despair; all of the staples necessary for an
international neo-noir cult classic are here, but are
combined and presented in a considerably more blunt and
simple fashion than, say, Killing Zoe or
Man Bites
Dog. Perhaps too simple in fact, as the limited
number of characters, settings and scenarios don’t
manage to satisfactorily round out the film’s
feature-length running time. As a result this fatalistic
crime drama is less gripping than it is mildly
interesting.
Or perhaps what’s
lacking is empathy, for as a protagonist Nigel doesn’t
possess a single redeeming quality. For all of his
faults and criminal misdeeds, he is a being completely
devoid of personality and interest. Even when his wasted
life goes as horribly wrong as possible it’s still hard
to care what happens to him one way or the other. His
wife’s selfish self-destructive behavior makes her as
unsympathetic a character as her husband, and even when
she does make the token effort to turn things around
upon the discovery of her pregnancy it is, literally,
too little too late. Side characters such as Tanya and
The President, while intriguing, are never developed
beyond the one-dimensional stereotypes they appear to
be.
Also at fault is the
ever-more-prevalent trend in independent cinema of
underlighting scenes. The picture contains far too many
darkened and dimly lighted shots, resulting in some
portions of the story playing out in utter blackness.
And as is not unusual not only does this diminish the
viewing experience, but it also obscures crucial moments
of action. Perhaps in this case the darkness is supposed
to reflect the characters’ lives (fitting in with the
previous drug reference, along with the plot and
cinematography this trait does somewhat convey the
impression of a very bad trip), but that’s a stretch and
if it is intentional the filmmakers definitely need to
come up with another gimmick.
But with all of that
being said, Last
Exit is probably worth a watch by those in need of a
bleak and low-lived drama. Maybe not worth owning, or
even worth standing in line for, but a fair bet as a
portion of the program during an evening of home
entertainment.
The screener DVD is presented in English without
subtitle options or a chapter selection feature, and the
lone bonus of the film’s trailer. (I’m guessing the
retail release will be more versatile and
comprehensive.)
(Thanks to
Exploitation Retrospect – www.dantenet.com )
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LAWLESS
Directed by John
Hillcoat
Despite the legendary subject of Prohibition-era
moonshiners and loads of brutality (castration, tar
& feathers, throat-cutting, multiple GSWs and the
like), somehow there just ain’t a whole lot to this
picture. The bootlegging Bondurants demonstrate their
endurance through ruthless colorlessness, except for the
most objectionable name in show business, Shia LaBeouf,
who just fucks up and cries a lot. Guy Pearce as Charles
Rakes, Special Deputy from Chicago, seems perpetually
pissed at losing his way to BOARDWALK EMPIRE, and even
Gary Oldman slips through his scenes as a gangster
looking like he’s in a hurry to be someplace else.
Trying to think of some redeeming excuse to sit through
nearly two hours of this (aside from the novel ‘shock
value’ of testes in a jar of ‘shine), but can only come
up with reasons not to. Two words: Shia
LaBeouf.
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LETHAL FORCE
Directed by Alvin
Ecarma
Okay, this one I had to watch twice; not because it was
all that fucking amazing, but because certain elements
make it kind of hard to follow the first time around.
Here we go:
We begin with some anonymous schlub getting his
ass kicked; said ass-kicker continues to ply his trade
until he reaches a protected witness and her police
escort. He wastes the escort and, before taking out the
lady witness, introduces himself as Savitch (Cash Flagg,
Jr.), a yellow-shirted cat who’s “mad, bad and dangerous
to know.”
Nine months later Detective Jack Carter (Frank
Prather) comes home to find his family gone and a couple
of hardasses trying to blackmail him into luring his
ex-partner Savitch into the hands of crippled crimelord
Mal Lock. When negotiations break down Jack shoots one
intruder, but gets his ass handed to him by a
bowtie-wearing martial artist. The unconscious Carter is
taken to Mal’s mansion where his wife Linda and son
Patrick are being held hostage, awakening just in time
to see his wife executed as an indication of just how
serious Mal is.
Thoroughly convinced, Jack arranges for a meet
with Savitch. And, after some questionably longing looks
into each others’ eyes, Savitch agrees to take the
contract on an anonymous victim. At their next meeting
Savitch allows Jack and a group of Big Bertha’s hitmen
to drive him out to a deserted housing development, and
while Bertha’s crew is easily disposed of suddenly crazy
bowtie guy drops in and he and Savitch go kung-fu
fighting throughout the house and across an abandoned
schoolyard.
After polishing off Mr. Bowtie Savitch and Jack
head over to Bertha’s Big Top to catch a little go-go
action and bust Bertha’s chops; unfortunately for
Savitch this is also where Jack delivers him into the
hands of his enemies. Or tries to anyway, as Savitch
fights his way through a throng of angry strippers and
escapes. (After a prolonged series of chase and fight
sequences, that is.)
In fact, after taking out wave after
wave of Mal’s goons dressed in masks and black suits
Savitch gets the drop on Carter, but after another
montage of deep soulful gazes, enhanced by homoerotic
buddies-in-battle flashbacks, Savitch simply walks away.
So Jack hits him with his car, rams him into a retaining
wall, breaks his knees, and sends him over the railing
for a six-story drop to the bricks.
Savitch just gets up and walks away.
Albeit a little unsteadily, he makes his way to a nearby
church where he has just enough time for an imaginary
conversation with Jesus (“Would you like a cookie?”)
before Mal and his cohorts come to collect him and haul
him back to the mansion.
All of a sudden Mal’s Amazonian
ladyfriend Rita takes the opportunity to pull Jack aside
and let him in on the fact that she’s an undercover cop,
working to bust Savitch in revenge for killing her
husband during the prologue. The two of them head over
to Mal’s estate, where Jack watches Mal exact his
revenge upon Savitch. Earlier we saw the reason for
Mal’s perpetual bad mood: disguised as a mailbox,
Savitch made a botched assassination attempt on Mal’s
life, putting him in a wheelchair instead of killing him
as he’d been paid to do. Mal now takes great pleasure in
watching his goons beat Savitch stupid with baseball
bats, stab him through the hands with bayonets, and
perform trepanation with a power drill (actually a
pretty decent bit of FX).
Rita goes inside to take out some of the
goonies, but in the process gets popped herself and
taken out to witness Savitch’s torture, as well as his
miraculous (read: unbelievable) revival and slaughter of
a whole squadron of Mal’s men. In the ensuing mayhem
Jack swipes the key to his son’s prison cell and goes to
rescue the boy while Rita and Savitch have their final
showdown.
No less than three additional bloody
face-offs ensue, each escalating the gore and
foolishness quotients. But even as the last body drops
it’s not over:
“To Be Continued in Lethal Force Part 2:
Savitch Strikes Back!” I don’t want to spoil
anything here, but that’s going to be kind of hard to
do…
Lethal
Force does have a better variety of locations than
your average indie actioneer, and a plethora of
over-the-top fight scenes to boot. Said fight scenes
however, despite some decent choreography, are still a
little stiff in places; after the multi-angle green
screen high-wire action of the big budget flicks the low
budget really shows. Even the not-so-fancy HK flicks do
it better, and the jazzy faux Matrix
soundtrack during the punch-outs really doesn’t help.
Speaking of the soundtrack, the dubbing is for shit, and
a lot of the lines match. Such as, “Just another symptom
of life in this supersonic age.”
It’s hard to tell how seriously the filmmakers
took this project; the blurbs on the DVD box play it up
as a “satire/homage” but also call it a “wonderful”
“cult classic in the making.” I wasn’t entirely
thrilled; the story really does have too many characters
in it, adding to the needless complexity, and despite
the fact that it is literally action-packed, as
mentioned before this just doesn’t seem to be enough.
It’s mad, bad, and dangerous to your quality viewing
time.
Special features include director’s commentary,
director’s shorts (My Dog Has a
Cyst, Me!
[2K3 Re-Mix] and A Conversation,
all directed by “Sir” Alvin Ecarma and none of which do
much more than fill space on the bonus menu), production
photos, an Action Figure Gallery (no kidding!), an art
gallery, and trailers for other gore-soaked Unearthed
Films. There’s even an entire Bootleg Bonus DVD of
“material that was left out by accident or design”; no,
I’m not watching that.
(Thanks to
Exploitation Retrospect – www.dantenet.com )
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LIVE EVIL
Directed by Jay
Woelfel
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THE LOVE STATUE LSD
EXPERIENCE
Directed by David E.
Durston
I’ve quoted them before, and I’m sure I’ll do it again,
but in the words of the mighty Rupture, “I’m Havin’ a
Fucken’ Flashback!” All the way from 1965 comes a
B&W acid flick (and one of the first LSD movies)
that actually displays a modicum of class: get yer red
wine and sugar cubes out and prepare for The Love
Statue.
(Spoiler Alert: As it really isn’t very difficult
at all to figure out who the killer is, particularly
with the limited number of characters introduced, we’re
going to travel through to the very lysergic end here.
So, feel free to quit reading at any time and go back to
counting microdots on your own…)
A mournful showtune plays along with the credits
as the visual theme is established through shots of
sculptures, candles and skulls. Painter Tyler Westin
(Peter Ratray) and his dancer girlfriend Lisa (Ondine
Lise, aka Broadway musical performer Beati Seay) are
lounging on a studio cot sharing post-coital cigarettes
and talking hipster trash. Bliss quickly turns to rancor
as Lisa puts on her clothes so that she can go to work
and take them off again, talking down to her artist beau
in increasingly low terms as she does so. And she knows
she can get away with it too, seeing as how she’s paying
his rent and doling out pocket money. His impotent
threats only yield additional insults: “You’re not
really much of anything
Tyler.
You’re nothing but a big beautiful bowl of mush, baby.
And without me, you’re just one step away from the
parade of pimps!” When he slaps her she laughs in his
face, but when he hits her again she breaks a wine
bottle over his head, ending the argument with his
unconsciousness.
“Baby, don’t you know, you’re a loser every
time,” is the first thing he hears upon regaining
consciousness and finding Lisa tending the cut on his
noggin. More lowdown bohemian drama ensues as the lady
leaves for her dancing gig, complete with thrown money
and a screaming fit from the rooftop.
Tyler
is just getting dressed when his fruity
subnormal-looking sculptor buddy Stanley Jacobs (Harvey
Goldenberg) shows up toting a bucket of clay and looking
for a place to crash. Tyler lets him in, then leaves
Stan to his own devices as he hustles off to The Bitter
End Café to suck up to his cash cow sex kitten. There he
meets up with a couple of his boho buddies, Josh and
Nick, who introduce Ty to chanteuse Mashiko
(“Introducing Hisako ‘Choko’ Tsukuba”). They all just
want to help their buddy Tyler get over his troubles,
and of course the hip new way to do that is with LSD.
“It’s the newest thing in dreams,” Mashiko tells him.
“Instant psychoanalysis, baby,” one of the fellows adds.
But Ty ain’t having any: “I like my nightmares just the
way they are,” he says, opting for whiskey over acid.
Nonetheless Mashiko gives him her card, telling him that
if he changes his mind he can call her any time.
Soon Lisa takes her turn on the stage, but after
a few sexy gyrations she’s interrupted by
Tyler, now
well into his cups. When she literally kicks the drunken
lout off of her stage (“You make such a lovely bathmat!”
she says, using him as a stepping stone down from the
platform) the audience’s mocking laughter sends him
stumbling out into the street. Falling down drunk on his
way home,
Tyler
narrowly avoids getting shanghaied by some street
hustler and moved in on by some stew bum before he can
shut his door and try to continue drinking in peace. No,
it’s definitely not a good night for our boy Ty.
The torments continue when Lisa drops in briefly,
only to leave again in a shroud of derisive laughter,
and in desperation
Tyler picks
himself up and heads over to Mashiko’s. There is some
kind of funky happening going on there, with hipsters
tripping balls left and right, and amid a lisping stream
of metaphysical chatter the singer fixes Ty an LSD
cocktail. Ty’s leery of her claim that, “It produces
strange mental transformations… It sometimes change the
personality,” and a passing acid eater’s testimonial
“One man’s kicks is another man’s psychosis” doesn’t
inspire much confidence in our young voyager. But his
fears are apparently allayed by Mashiko’s promise that,
“You are young, strong; it will not harm you. It will
only free you.” Down the hatch…
Three days later
Tyler still
hasn’t returned to the studio. As Lisa frets and Stan
attempts to soothe her nerves,
Tyler pulls
himself from the tangle of crashed-out acid heads and
staggers outside. His vision bleary and kaleidoscopic,
Tyler trips through a city made foreign and nightmarish
by the dose still coursing through his brain until he
can take it no longer and screams himself out of it.
When he pulls himself together
Tyler finds
himself back in the studio, alone. Well, almost: there’s
an odd dreamlike sequence in which he has an erotic
interaction with Stan’s living sculpture of Lady Godiva,
which has been completed in Ty’s absence. When
Tyler comes
out of his haze the first thing he gets is another round
of Lisa’s bitching. “It’s over, Lisa,” he tells her,
even when she relents and tries to play nice. Weepy
drama unfolds as each party loudly justifies their
meager existence, but
Tyler’s
doors of perception have been well and truly opened and
he walks out of the studio a new man with a new
mindset.
As a carefree
Tyler feeds
the ducks in Central Park, Lisa
shifts into savage cunt mode and begins slashing his
canvases to shreds. She’s pretty much destroyed the
entire studio,
Stanley’s
Godiva included, when a presence seen only as a shadow
enters the flat and, without hesitation or introduction,
stabs her to death.
Tyler
returns to the studio as happy as a clam, toting a
sackful of groceries and Chianti. His mood darkens
considerably when he sees the damage wrought by Lisa’s
wrath, but when he finds Lisa’s body, sprawled out on
the floor like a broken doll with glassy eyes, things go
from bad to worse. Confronted with this all-too-real
horror after days of drug-induced hallucination,
Tyler does
the only thing he can: he runs away.
In a subway station
Tyler spots
Stanley’s
Lady Godiva model (Nancy Norman, aka skin mag model Gigi
Darlene) and follows her onto the Express to
Manhattan.
He can’t quite place her face however, and his awkward
attempts to make conversation turn into a chase out into
the cold New
York night. He finally catches
up to her, and as they recognize each other he tells her
that he really needs to talk to Stan; all of Stan’s
material has been cleared out of the studio, only one of
Lady Godiva’s hands being left behind as evidence that
he was ever there at all.
The Lady consents to have a cup of coffee with
him, and in the conversation that follows she strongly
suggests that old
Stanley
isn’t just the “harmless nut” he seems to be. After
hearing Ty’s story the Lady agrees to help him, and the
two split up and try to find the errant sculptor.
Tyler tries
a local watering hole with no luck, but in the process
learns that Lisa’s body has been found and that he, of
course, is the prime suspect in her murder.
The Lady, meanwhile, receives a surprise
phonecall from
Stanley.
He’d really like to see her, he says, and she agrees to
meet him at the Park in an hour. As she sets out to find
Tyler and
give him the update she is shadowed by Stanley, who’s
starting to look more like the pederast’s version of
Peter Sellers than ever. Together Tyler and the Lady
head to the designated bridge in Central
Park, with
Tyler hiding
underneath while Lady remains up top. But
Stanley is
already there, and he quickly grabs the girl. An NY
standoff takes place, during which Stan admits that he
went “crazy” when he saw his busted-up masterpiece.
“Damn Lisa! She was no good Ty, she deserved to be
killed!” But he did make sure to tell the cops all about
Ty and Lisa’s volatile relationship, apparently sealing
his friend’s doom. As the only other person who knew
Stanley was
using Ty’s studio is Lady, Stan pulls a knife on her and
drags her away across the park, warning
Tyler
against following them.
Stanley
bundles Lady into his car and drives away as snow begins
to fall, leaving
Tyler to run
blindly through the winter streets of the city.
Fortuitously his buddy Nick pulls up on a motorbike and
pledges his allegiance to Ty’s cause. “I always knew he
was a little batty,” Nick says of Stan. “Josh got to him
the other night, gave him some LSD. He went completely
crazy, went out of his mind! That probably explains what
happened!” Not only that, but Nick also remembers a
place Stan told him he used to visit, a dam out on
Highway 4. Without further hesitation the lads crowd
onto the bike and roar off in that direction.
The dam is indeed where
Stanley has
taken his Lady, and he seems to be just waiting for
Tyler to
show up. The moment he does Stan ditches the girl and
takes off on foot, and a picturesque footchase around
the snowy stone architecture takes place. This ends
abruptly when Stan, who had been way out in front,
suddenly and unwisely decides to climb over the railing
at the very top of the dam. With a shrill scream his
body is seen plummeting over the side, leaving Ty and
the Lady to run off into the wintry distance
together.
Director Durston admits in his interview (see
below) that he was influenced by European cinema,
particularly the films of Fellini and Antonioni, and
this is most evident in the eroticism and morbidity of
the early scenes. The black and white presentation
enhances this effect, and at the same time does a fine
job of carrying this unpredictable ambiance into the
gritty lofts and dives of New York
City.
The feeling of Sixties’ Greenwich
Village drug culture is vividly brought to
life as bums, artists, queers, dopers, dancers and
beatniks all flow through a series of studios, bars,
cityscapes and crash pads. Against this vibrant setting
(which comes across quite well even in black and white)
there is an emotional street theater realism to the
acting which makes for a coarse and enjoyable
experience.
It is an intentionally artsy film, what with the
emphasis on, well, art and all, but much of this (aside
from
Stanley’s
oozing about his own “genius”) isn’t nearly as
pretentious or off-putting as it could have been.
Instead, the trappings of artistry serve to enhance the
film in a colorful and intriguing way (“Paintings by
Sobossek”). Groovy soundtrack by Dottie Stallworth,
too.
Of course no LSD Experience
would be complete without a bevy of trippy extras: audio
commentary with writer/director Durston and film
historian Michael Bowen; a pair of alternate scenes
(“Tyler & Lisa Break-Up” and “Tyler Phone Call”);
interviews with Durston (“Behind the Love Statue,” in
which the director, now in his eighties, talks about
being approached by some Harvard grads to do a non-union
LSD flick, and subsequently getting interested enough to
get dosed himself. [Dig the story about thinking he’s a
gum machine in the subway!] Durton also discusses his
actors and various aspects of filming, looking back
fondly on the experience as a whole.) and Peter Ratray
(“A Trip with Peter Ratray,” who talks about coming to
NY as a teenager and scoring the role of Tyler, and
having a damn good time in the process. [Including an
anecdote about “this kid Bob Dylan” who was playing at
The Bitter End at the time.] As did Durston, Ratray
talks about the filmmaking experience and his co-stars,
with no shortage of colorful side stories.); and a
Secret Key Trailer Vault that includes promos for
questionable gems such as All the Sins of
Sodom, Grindhouse Double Feature Punk Rock / Pleasure
Palace, Daddy
Darling and the like.
But the real crackerjack prize here is the pair
of LSD “scare films” from the Sixties. 1967’s LSD-25, written,
produced and directed by Dr. David W. Parker, “Under the
auspices of the San
Mateo
Union
High
School
District,” begins with some
goateed cat buying acid on the street. “The cost: a few
dollars. And his mind,” the Rod Serling-style narration
tells us. Mr. Hipster’s vision blurs, the narration
takes the point of view of LSD-25 itself (who now sounds
suspiciously like Timothy Leary), and sinister Sixties
sounds play out as various hippies talk about how easy
it is to get the stuff and various ‘squares’ bemoan the
wicked nature of the drug. But LSD-25 just wants to set
the record straight: “It is, as they say, time for the
facts. High time.” High time indeed. The chemical
compound of LSD is laid out, with an emphasis on the
drug’s potency and variety made clear. Unclear is how it
works exactly, but there is no doubt that it does work.
“Altogether I’m one of the most perplexingly powerful
drugs conceivable,” our acid host boasts. The hazard of
the very lack of control over this controlled substance
is made clear, but that’s not stopping the kids from
taking it. “Drop a cap of me, man, and drop out. But
watch it, because the trip can be a trap, too: you never
know where a ticket with me will take you.” Now the film
shifts into bad trip mode, with acid casualties sobbing
and freaking out (cue vintage monster movie soundtrack).
Watch out for the flashback! (Or “after-flash.”) “It’s
not fun at all…not even the coroner knows how to tell
whether or not I was part of this scene.” (This against
a staged shot of a bloody car accident.) More bum trips
follow, all the way to the morgue. “I’m so depressed,”
moans LSD-25, “Depressed because I’m so badly misused
and abused by those who know so little about me.” It’s
not all bad, but, “I am never the sort of thing that one
takes lightly, or for kicks. Because, you see, I can
kick back.” Acid has an ego, apparently, and boy can it
prattle on. Damn, all this needs is a creepy little
cartoon capsule dancing around and fucking with its
users. Bottom line: Acid is scary! Too bad for Mr.
Hepcat from the beginning though: “…He may be terrified
by what he sees. But that’s his problem. Not mine.” Gee,
thanks LSD-25!
Your
Amazing Mind starts with an odd George Washington
analogy, used to demonstrate the advancement of ideas
and invention over time: “The human mind is the world’s
single greatest resource.” This muddles around for some
time, and then, uh-oh, here come the school kids, and
you can feel the heavy hand of the righteousness of
suburban utopia coming down: “Only with clear thinking
in an unclouded and undistorted brain can life be better
and more rewarding.” Of course there are enemies of the
Reich: “It may seem unbelievable, but there are some
people who disturb and twist their minds on purpose.”
(Say it ain’t so, doc!) It’s those damn dirty drug users
again, and in no time we’re being treated to shots of
ambulances and emergency ward entrances, as well as a
lecture on the importance of ‘doctor’s orders.’ Various
types of drugs begin to swim across the screen, overlaid
with colorful brain pattern animation in an ironically
trippy presentation that defines controlled substances
and their effects. (“Strangely, some people get kicks
from them.” You don’t say…) More scare tactic imagery
follows (“Any drug, wrongly used, can change the way
your mind works, and keep you from thinking clearly.
They can make you very sick. They can even kill you.”),
and pretty soon some kid’s keeling over from an overdose
of airplane glue and a pothead is sailing his car over
an embankment. And then, finally, our old friend LSD.
(“It brings on the symptoms of insanity.”) Well, what
about LSD? Just ask J. Thomas Ungerleider, M.D., of the
UCLA
Medical
Center: “LSD
has no proven use in medicine. Repeated use of LSD may
permanently alter the brain’s function. In fact many
people, after using LSD, have had to be placed in mental
institutions because they’ve become mentally ill.”
(Lather, rinse, repeat.) “LSD also changes the cell
structure of certain cells within the body, probably
permanently, and thus may affect your unborn children.”
(BOO!) And don’t forget, “Any trip is a bad trip when
your amazing mind isn’t thinking clearly.” Habit forming
drugs are also touched upon before the school kids are
trotted out again to regurgitate the lessons with which
they’ve been indoctrinated: “I think that all trips are
bad trips because they bend your mind, and who wants to
bend their mind?” “If I had to take pills to be part of
a gang, I wouldn’t want to be in that gang. I’d have
more fun without the pills.” I’m not sure what sort of a
lesson that last one is, but you pay attention, young
man. And on and on and on and on, so be the evils of
drugs, amen. Especially LSD.
Quite a lot of material on one disc here, coming
in a full color slipcase and including a collectible
booklet of liner notes. Tune in, why dontcha? (Thanks
to Exploitation Retrospect – www.dantenet.com)
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LUSTFUL ADDICTION
Directed by Nick Philips (1969) and Misty Mundae
(2002)
Another entry in
Seduction’s short line of double features pairing a
“grindhouse classic” with a modern reworking of the same
sleazy tale.
In Nick Philips’
original B&W version of Lustful
Addiction, bored bedsitter Jean wanders around her
SoCal flat, distractedly peering out of windows,
lighting and stubbing out cigarettes, and generally
looking vaguely uncomfortable. Is she a housewife upset
that hubby will come home to find the roast overdone and
the rye gone? No, she’s a junky! (“A user of ‘stuff,’ or
more commonly known, ‘drugs.’”) When her beat-looking
dealer “Penn the Peddler” shows up Jean goes through a
striptease routine for him, but Penn soon gets bored
with this and goes off for a dose of, “The dark feeling
of sleep that will surround him when he plunges the
silver needle deep into his soul, into his blood, to
caress his twisted soul with the darkness of . . .
‘stuff.’” Setting up in the kitchen Penn prepares a
massive spoonful of “the juice of Hecate” (in such a
hurry to get away from Jean that he neglects to either
cook or filter his ‘stuff’), and, as Harry Angel might
say, “shoots himself to Palookaville.” Now it’s Jean’s
turn, and she shoots up a needle full of Penn’s
leftovers. When the pusher nods off Jean goes trolling
for cock somewhere else, finding a piece called Tad at a
nearby coffee shop. (“He’s nice, really nice.”) They
pass an idyllic day frolicking about as
young-lovers-to-be, and then they get right down to
doin’ it. Totally naked Jean is one dusky sexy beauty,
her pale dark-haired form being one so stacked and
statuesque that it almost makes up for the lousy
softcore love scene that follows (one every bit as long
and labored as the metaphors of our apparently
dope-addled narrator).
Meanwhile Penn the
Peddler has come out of it, stolen Jean’s record player,
and bailed out. Jean wakes up too, and immediately
craving she calls her dealer and arranges a meet at some
strip joint. Tad insists upon accompanying her, and as
they await Penn they take in a horrendously bad,
horrendously long strip show. (Some broad in a plastic
raincoat looking high and self-conscious as she
awkwardly lurches about the stage, pulling off her
lingerie and waving her unshaven muff at the audience.)
To everyone’s enormous relief Penn finally shows with
the ‘stuff,’ and Jean makes a hurried buy and gets the
hell out of there.
Back at Tad’s place
the lure of dope and sex proves too much for our young
man, and he is seduced by Jean into sampling some of her
devil’s brew. The sitar cranks up with the witchy
narration as Tad is given a shot and . . . bums right
out, becoming sick to his stomach. In his condition Tad
is no fun for the dope-hungry sex kitten, and besides
she could use a little more dope; unable to contact Penn
Jean heads out to find a hooker friend she knows will be
holding. Hooker Friend is only too happy to share some
of her shit with Jean, for a price of course, and in
this case that price is the satisfaction of her
“perverse lesbian hunger.” Despite having just worked a
full shift, if you know what I mean, Hooker Friend takes
it out in trade with Jean, and as the voiceover grows
more decadent and the bad coffee shop jam kicks it up a
notch on the soundtrack the two ladies go at it in a
feigned display of lesbian sexual blackmail. This takes
a long time, but is at least moderately fun to watch for
the lovely Jean, her hair in wild disarray as she
writhes about the bedsheets wearing nothing but her
beads. Hooker Friend ain’t too bad to look at either, in
a sexy, sleazy, slutty kind of way. For dessert Jean
gets her fix, and in her excitement she overdoes it and
ODs right there in Hooker Friend’s kitchen. (Plant that
flower child!)
Hooker Friend is
properly aghast, and desperate for someone to come clean
up this mess she find’s Tad’s number in Jean’s bag and
calls him to come over and pick up his dead girlfriend.
Instead Tad goes for his gun, and clumsily chases down
and kills the evil pusher. (“Run and die, devil! Run and
die!”) After the deed is done he stands over Penn’s body
in woe, lamenting the wicked way of the world. “He has
known love once, with a young girl,” the narrator tells
us. “A pretty girl. But now time has expired.” Cut to
shot of parking meter bearing the same message. Heavy,
man. Heavy. (The end. No cast, no credits, no nothin’.)
The dialogue in Lustful
Addiction consists solely of a lispy female
voiceover (similar to that utilized in Philips’ Pleasures of a
Woman), one that packs every stereotypical love
& dope generation reference possible into its
stilted narration. But at least in this film the females
are considerably more attractive (even if they don’t do
fondue). Another bemusing if not dramatic effect
repeated throughout are the multiple scenes of monkeys,
shot in negative, cut in from time to time. (Gee, what
unsubtle symbolism could that have?) When inserted
between nude scenes the effect is kind of cool, even if
a little morally heavy-handed. While eminently more
watchable than any number of other softcore
shelf-fillers, with Lustful
Addiction it still never ceases to amaze me how
little people do with such a large number of resources.
Here you got naked junkies, gunplay, strip shows,
lesbianism, theft, blackmail, drug dealing, the works
(even monkeys, for fucksake!), and it all just goes to
pad out some good-looking woman’s low-key nude scenes.
Ah well, on to the next feature:
The 2002 remake of Lustful
Addiction is helmed (and “concieved”(sic)) by its
star, noted softcore strumpet Misty Mundae herself. In
this version pierced-faced Ruby LaRocca plays the part
of, um, Ruby, looking considerably more dope-sick than
her Sixties counterpart as she does so. Smoking and
snorting loads of ‘stuff’ during the opening credits,
just like Jean Ruby is waiting for her man. When her
“creepy sister-fucker” of a dealer, O-Rock (?), shows up
Ruby lays down with a line from the Scratch Acid classic
“She Said” and lets him have it. Her body, that is. As
O-Rock mauls her unenthusiastic form Ruby contemplates
the ironic junkie’s Catch-22 of her situation, relating
that through the pills that she gets from the dealer
she’ll be able to forget what she has to do to get them
. . .
Bad softcore sex
follows. So bad, in fact, that O-Rock falls asleep right
in the middle of it. Ruby don’t mind though, because
going through O-Rock’s pants she finds a baggie of
Tylenol she calls Ecstasy, and taking six of those she
goes outside to play. Dimwitted druggie mind-chatter
accompanies her romp through the park and a chance
meeting with Opal (Mundae), and continues as the two
girls wander away together to get high and make out.
(There is what I assume is supposed to be a long
sequence of playful seduction leading up to their
getting it on, but the awkward action and dialogue make
all of this foreplay seem awkward and juvenile. Picture
junior high school whores on drugs trying to show what
sexy grown-up free spirits they are as they vamp and
tease one another while playing hooky.)
O-Rock meanwhile has
awakened to find his stash missing, and he leaves a
vicious note behind for Ruby as he makes his exit. When
Ruby comes back from the park with Opal in tow O-Rock’s
death threat doesn’t faze her in the least, as she comes
to find that her new playmate is packing a considerable
supply of ‘stuff’ herself. And without further ado the
girls change into lingerie, sample each others’ stashes,
and get down to fooling around. Sort of. I guess if you
were high these scenes might seem pretty hot, but
extended softcore scenes of nouveau-hippie punks on dope
playing around with each other gets old in a hurry. More
and more shit is snorted, more and more pills are
popped, and a great show of playing decadent is made
(‘Oh, let’s get high and dance around together in our
g-strings and high heels!’). And man does it go on for
what seems like forever. Ruby’s bad forced phone-sex
voiceover doesn’t help either, simply recalling the
slightly more amusing bad narration heard in Pleasures of a
Woman. Much fast forwarding later the girls finally
take off their g-strings to simulate closer contact, but
it’s all still pretty pointless.
Finally, oh no, all
the dope is done. (Shades of The Salton Sea’s
“WE’RE OUT OF GAK!!!”) “It’s over now,” moans the
narrator. But it’s not yet, as there’s still some moping
around to be done before Opal goes off in search of more
stuff, promising to come back right away, while Ruby
sketches out into the anxiety of withdrawal. Eventually
Ruby becomes so sick and desperate that she calls up
another lesbian stripper, Daphne (Darian Caine), and
proceeds to trade snatch for stash. (“I get you off, and
you get me off.”) Having got what she came for Daphne
leaves, and with her duty done Ruby quickly snorts up
all of her reward. When Opal returns with her score Ruby
samples some of that as well, and combined with the
previous orgy’s-worth of overdoing it this extra pinch
puts Ruby right over the top. Mimicking Uma’s Pulp
Fiction overdose Ruby keels over and dies right in front
of her new friend, who in turn can do nothing but moan
and squirm around in shock. Soon however a very
pissed-off O-Rock shows up to settle Opal’s nerves by
force-feeding her a bottle of pills. It appears that
he’s contemplating fucking her, but in the end he just
takes her money and dope instead. The end.
And I think all of
that pretty well speaks for itself. This DVD set comes
with a selection of extras I have yet to sit through,
including the “Lustful Documentary” and various
theatrical trailers. There’s also a separate audio CD
containing Tim Tomorrow’s soundtrack to Lustful
Addiction, joined by The Pink Delicates’ score from
Roxanna
(another Seduction Cinema double feature release in the
same vein as Lustful Addiction and Pleasures of a
Woman). And there are actually a couple of pretty groovy
little numbers here (“Lustful Addiction Theme,” “Red,
Hot, & Rollin”, “Fix”), bass-heavy period pieces
with a little bit of soul, a little bit of funk, and a
whole lot of bump & grind, along with some good ol’
fashioned druggie music (“Roxanna Theme,” “Falling”) and
just plain cool instrumentals (“Alone,” “My End”). (And
I’d swear Speedball Baby stole more than a little bit
from tracks like (“Big Sky”). Most of which is not at
all out of place in a softcore sleaze-o-rama. (The more
folky acoustic and harmonica-laden pieces could have
been comfortably passed over, though, and the “bonus”
versions of soundtrack pieces with added vocals aren’t
nearly as nice as the purely instrumental ones. And what
the hell is with the cowpoke song (“The Coming Days of
Winter”)?) A couple of points for the original version,
a generous one for the second, but a couple bonus points
for the surprisingly listenable CD, all equaling out to
a big . . . 3 stars.
|
|
MALABIMBA
Directed by Andrea
Bianchi
A foreign Exorcist mimic –
that goes the extra mile with hardcore porn.
It all begins, as it so often does, with a
séance. Conducting the ritual is Daniela (looking
something like a Brazilian tranny victim of alleyway
plastic surgery), a medium whose handiwork has the
expected ill results: a somewhat demonic voice is
channeled (“It’s negative presence!”), speaking out
against the swinish hypocrisy of the assembled
bluebloods and forcing lascivious displays from some of
the guests before traveling, poltergeist-cam style, on a
twisting mission straight into the bedchamber of Sister
Sofia (Maria Angela Giordano). Forcing the nun to
masturbate lewdly for a few moments the negative
presence is repelled by the sign of the cross, and in a
fury the unclean spirit leaps to inhabit the next best
victim, sweet young sexpot Bimba (Katell
Laennec).
And thus, with the sinister barking of a
mechanical toy and a wicked glint in her eye, Bimba
becomes the Devil’s plaything. She calls her grandmother
a whore at dinner, grabs the serving boy’s cock, spits
at a nun, and generally acts the possessed brat. This
behavior brings the family together to discuss Bimba’s
development, as well as provide a bit of background on
the clan and their setting. Assembled at modernized
medieval Castle Karoly, the family is ostensibly present
to spend time with and look after rich castle owner
Adolfo, paralyzed some time ago by a stroke. But
Adolfo’s condition lends to some small amount of
scheming on the hands of his vertical relatives: his
mother Countess Karoly wants her second-eldest son
Andrea, widower to Bimba’s mother Lucrezia, to marry
Adolfo’s wife Nais in order to keep the castle and
Adolfo’s fortune within the family. But Andrea wants
nothing to do with a faithless whore like Nais, instead
leaving her to the desperate attentions of his younger
brother Giorgio.
And as Bimba’s acting-out continues to confound
her family, Nais proves to be somewhat possessed herself
– by a case of the hot pants. Approaching Andrea in his
bedroom late one night Nais does her very best to seduce
him, but even offering herself to Andrea in her best
lingerie doesn’t persuade him to “have some relax.” Nais
storms out understandably offended, and has her sexual
frustration worked out of her ass by little
Giorgio.
Bimba has been watching Nais’ display the entire
time, and when she’s caught peeping by Sister Sofia she
runs screaming to her room. There she masturbates with a
teddy bear in a scene sure to send the filmmakers all
straight to hell, and in a final fit Bimba gouges out
the bear’s crotch with a butcher knife and pushes a
candle into the opening. The next morning the family
finds this trophy downstairs in the main hall for all to
see.
This new outrage causes the Karoly family some
small consternation, and theories on the girl’s
emotional state run wild. (“Bimba is only having a
retarded puberty that’s causing her some sexual
morbidity.”) When her father tries to have a little talk
with the girl she sticks her tongue in his mouth and
pulls at his cock. Shocked, Andrea can only run away,
and that night at a dinner party Bimba comes down to
call everyone pigs and expose her bush to the banquet
guests. (“Bimba, cover up yourself!”) Consultation with
a doctor proves to be no help at all, as with a
dismissive wave of pop psychology the quack essentially
tells Andrea not to worry about it, once his daughter
starts getting laid she’ll settle down.
That night a thunderstorm again enflames Bimba’s
burgeoning passion, and after masturbating feverishly
she creeps about the castle and spies upon her father as
he finally succumbs to Nais’ temptations. Aroused even
further by their unabashed sexuality Bimba sneaks into
the chamber of paralytic Uncle Adolfo and, after
performing a truly arousing striptease, proceeds to go
down on him. Bimba’s blowjob is one that would raise the
dead, but in Adolfo’s case it instead gives him another
stroke, this time a fatal one.
With rich old Adolfo out of the way there are
some heated words between family members regarding his
estate, and Bimba’s nymphomaniacal disruptions are
forgotten. That is until Sister Sofia interrupts to
request that she be allowed special supervision over the
troubled girl; the Sister was the one who discovered
Bimba naked in Adolfo’s bed after his ‘accident,’ and is
convinced she can help save the girl’s soul. This even
as Bimba is upstairs masturbating with another one of
her toys and making love to her reflection in a mirror.
Sister Sofia breaks in on this Janus coupling and,
attempting to sooth the girl’s sobbing pleas for help,
stays with her until she falls asleep.
When
Sofia
awakens she goes in search of her young charge, only to
find Bimba peeking in on her father’s lovemaking yet
again. After convincing the Sister to watch with her for
a moment Bimba leads her back to her bedroom and begins
working some of the wiles of seduction she learned from
watching Nais. As she works a hand between
Sofia’s legs
it looks like Bimba is well on her way to getting the
Sister to perform an unnatural act, but with a burst of
conscience Sister Sofia comes to her nunly senses and
bolts back to her own room.
Bimba won’t be so
easily evaded however and, nude, she stalks after
Sofia and
corners her in her bedroom. Speaking in a familiar
demonic tone Bimba chastises the Sister, accusing her of
awful sins before offering her a single chance to save
the girl: offer her soul in exchange for Bimba’s. Sister
Sofia of course can’t allow the girl’s soul to remain in
jeopardy, and passively agrees to allow the demon to
have its way with her. Forcing the quivering nun to
undress Bimba throws her onto the bed and goes down on
her, then kisses
Sofia
passionately before the demon forces itself inside of
her, moving out of the girl to possess the greater
prize, a true bride of Christ.
In the morning Bimba
is found to have returned to her former self, much to
her father’s relief.
Sofia
however still has a demon to wrestle, and she does so in
the classic way.
Bimba being the girl’s name and ‘mala’ meaning
bad, the title of this film is essentially “Bad Bimba” –
a standout in the field of bad porn titles. But perhaps
one of the film’s alternate titles puts it better: Malicious Whore.
(Why any parents would want to name their daughter
‘whore’ is never explained.) A word about the sex here –
while the film can be considered hardcore in that it
features a number of scenes of full penetration, there
are no ‘money shots’ to be found here. This places the
intentions of the filmmakers in an ambiguous position;
is this a sex film or a horror film? Which came first,
and which was added to spice up what would otherwise
have been a truly tepid genre offering? No matter, the
combination of the two succeeds through sheer
perversity. Or fails, depending on your point of view,
but if you happen to appreciate a little X-rated demon
possession now and again, Malabimba just
might be for you.
Katell is a little smoker for sure, with a wide
seductive face, rich sensual lips, and a sweet little
body that any man, and a number of women, would love to
possess. And while there is something of a fragmentary
subplot running around in the film about the fact that
Bimba might be possessed by the spirit of her dead
mother Lucrezia (hence the séance and start of all the
trouble), there is no explanation given as to what made
Lucrezia a vicious and vindictive old slut who was
desperately hungry for the souls of innocent girls.
Again, perhaps the title Malicious Whore
says it best.
This DVD presents Malabimba in
widescreen NTSC/Region Free format, in the original
Italian with English subtitles. No special features to
speak of, unless you consider the film’s remarkable
perversion.
* * *
$24.95 from Luminous
Film & Video Wurks – www.lfvw.com – P.O. Box
289, Hampton Bays, NY,
11946 |
|
LE MARI DE LA COIFFEUSE
(THE HAIRDRESSER'S
HUSBAND)
Directed by Patrice
LeConte
So according to Roger Ebert, this was one of 1990’s ten
best films. I don’t know, it looks like a smelly French
chick flick to me, but we’ll see where this “uncommon
erotic classic” takes us.
We open with some French kid practicing his belly
dancing by the seashore. Yes, that’s correct. The
Arabian music continues through the credits, after which
we find an older gentleman reminiscing as he cuts his
own hair. He’s thinking about the beach at Luc-sur-Mer,
and the woolen bathing suits his mother knitted for him
and his brother. Complete with hanging pom-poms, “like
cherries.” “I was always sore between the legs,” he
remembers, due to the fact that the wool never dried.
But on the other hand it taught him to always take care
of his balls (this as his younger self plays croquet on
the sand).
Back in the city, the 12-year-old lad, Antoine,
loves going to the barber’s. Not because of a haircut
fetish, but because he had short hot pants for the owner
of the shop, red-headed Rubenesque Mme. Scheaffer; her
“pronounced body odor” drove him wild every time. And on
a hot day in June of 1947, through her open blouse he
caught sight of her “heavy but ideally rounded breasts,”
something which sends him into a trance state of puppy
lust. At dinner that night, when his father asks him
what he wants to do in life, Antoine says, “I want to
marry a hairdresser.” And is promptly slapped in the
face. Antoine’s resolve, however, remains unbroken.
Cut to the elder Antoine (Jean Rochefort), who
sits in a barbershop enchanted by the “slightly sad but
gracious” Mathilde (Anna Galiena). He had met her some
time ago after she had taken over the shop from the
previous owner, Isidore Agopian, which she then ran all
by herself. At first she put him off for a haircut,
saying that she was waiting on another appointment.
Antoine lingered in the area and over the next half-hour
saw that there really was no ‘other customer.’ “But what
disturbed me most,” he remembers, “Was that once again,
after years of searching, I was in love with a
hairdresser.”
But Antoine’s first hairdresser crush ended
badly; Mme. Scheaffer committed suicide, with a “massive
dose of barbiturates.” Antoine reached her shop just far
enough ahead of the police to stare at the crevasse
between her plump thighs before the cops broke down her
door. Recalling this incident as he gets his hair cut,
the elder Antoine suddenly says to Mathilde, “Will you
marry me?” “35 francs,” is her response, for the
haircut.
Three weeks later Antoine again visits Mathilde’s
shop. Busy with another customer, she acts like she
doesn’t recognize her suitor. After his haircut, as he
pays Mathilde tells him, “I don’t know what got into
you. You were probably making fun of me. But if you
weren’t teasing,” she continues, “Then I appreciate your
proposal.” And just like that she consents to marry him.
And Antoine is as happy as a little boy.
“When told I was marrying a hairdresser, my
father died of a heart attack. Out of loyalty, my mother
refused to meet Mathilde or to visit the shop.” On top
of the fact that Mathilde has no family, the wedding
party is a small one. Held at the shop and accompanied
by Antoine’s perennial Arabian dance music, in
attendance are only Antoine’s brother, his wife, and Mr.
Agopian. (As well as a drop-in customer who wanted his
beard shaved because, “They say it makes me look sad.”
“Too bad,” he says, looking in the mirror after Mathilde
stops in the middle of the party and cleans him up for
free). Antoine plans to live a simple, blissful,
insulated life with Mathilde, and she, the quiet
solitary type herself, seems most agreeable. They spend
a short honeymoon at Luc-sur-Mer, then return to life on
their “stationary luxury liner.”
One day Antoine is having his hair trimmed when a
nervous-looking man hurries into the shop and
frantically requests a haircut. A regal-looking woman
enters the shop after him and, after sitting down for a
moment, rises, spins his chair around and slaps him
loudly across the face. The man, Julien Gora, introduces
his wife Germaine and himself, and the scene is over as
soon as it started as Germaine bids them goodbye and
leaves the shop. The newlyweds are asked for their
opinion of the woman, and Mathilde thinks that Germaine
is “very nice,” while Antoine declares her
“magnificent.” Julien agrees, asserting that she is at
her loveliest when she is angry. Shortly afterward the
couple locks up for the day and begin to get intimate
right there behind the counter. Mathilde asks Antoine to
promise her one thing, that being that when he no longer
loves her he will not pretend that he does.
On another day a mother hauls her struggling brat
in for a much needed haircut. The child screams and
pitches a fit, hiding under the chair and doing
everything he can to avoid his fate. As his mother
bemoans her situation (“He’s not even ours. We adopted
him. Big mistake!”), Antoine puts on the belly dancing
music and begins to dance like a fool, somehow charming
the kid into sitting still for his haircut. All the
while Antoine thinks about how fine it is not to have
any children of their own. Or friends, for that matter.
“What could they add to our lives?”
When mother and child leave Antoine puts on
another record and coerces Mathilde to dance with him.
She does, and as he spins dreams of the future she begs
him to hold her tightly, fearful that the day may come
when he’ll no longer want to dance with her. He
reassures her, but there is a foreboding flash-forward
where we see Antoine, alone, staring at nothing in
silent sadness.
Another time Mathilde is tending to the poet Mr.
Doneker. As she listens to his poems, and as he tells
her that they fade away and die, like flowers do,
Antoine is overcome. Even with the apparently blind
client in the chair Antoine moves to stand next to
Mathilde, massaging her breasts and sliding down her
panties. He moves his hands up between her legs, working
on her even while she works on Mr. Doneker.
Antoine recalls that in ten years they only had
one fight. Bored and listless, Mathilde asked him one
day if he’d like a haircut. As he sat in the chair,
during the small talk that ensued Antoine made a
disparaging remark about a favorite actor of Mathilde’s.
She became “annoyed and silent,” but finished the
haircut. “That was our only fight.”
That night neither one of them can sleep.
Mathilde comes down from the apartment upstairs and
finds Antoine smoking a cigarette, something he hadn’t
done before. She joins him and asks for a cigarette.
They sit together, smoking, and when he apologizes she
says not at all, it was she who got ‘carried away over
nothing.’ She would like a drink, though. They don’t
keep booze, but what they do have, Antoine tells her, is
Eau de Cologne. “Want to poison us?” Mathilde laughs.
“Let’s try it,” Antoine says. Putting on one of his
records and mixing several bottles into one, Antoine
dances about, shaking the mixture like a cocktail. He
pours them each a glass, and…”Not bad,” Mathilde
admits.
In the morning they lie on the floor together,
surrounded by the mess of the night before. “We drank a
lot. Weird things,” Antoine’s narration tells us. “We
made love standing before a mirror.” There was talk
about all of the cocks in all of the women in all of the
world at that moment, with Mathilde being the happiest.
He remembers her saying that she would never leave him –
“‘Til death do us part.” And when he opens his eyes, he
sees a little boy peeking in the front window.
Later they visit Mr. Agopian in the old folks’
home. He’s a bit sour, and after a brief chat he hustles
them out, the way he sees the families of other
residents leave almost as soon as they’ve arrived. “Stay
happy,” he tells them as they depart.
Back at the shop Mathilde cuts the hair of a man
who perpetually argues with his friend. Today they are
bickering over the subject of death, and when asked for
his opinion Antoine says, “Death is yellow and smells of
vanilla.” He cannot wait for the patrons to leave, and
as they do Mathilde remarks that her client seems to
stoop more and more every day. “Every day he gets
older,” Antoine tells her. “Life’s disgusting,” Mathilde
says. Shortly thereafter a thunderstorm begins. The
lights go out and they make love.
Afterward Mathilde rushes out into the rain,
saying she’s picking up some yogurt for that evening.
But instead she goes to the walkway by the shore and
throws herself into the ocean. “My love,” her voiceover
says, “I’m going before you do. I’m going before your
desire dies. Then we’d be left with tenderness alone.
And I know that wouldn’t be enough.” As her
sheet-covered body is examined by emergency personnel
her voice continues, saying in part, “I go with the
memory of the best years of my life. The ones you gave
me. I kiss you slowly until I die…I loved only you. I’m
going so you’ll never forget me. Mathilde.”
As her corpse is carried away we see Antoine,
standing in the rain, reading her suicide note.
Afterward Antoine sits alone in the shop, doing
the crossword. Some scruffy fellow comes in and sits
down, and Antoine offers him a shampoo. Putting on his
music again Antoine begins to do his dance, and his
customer gets up to join him, even giving him a few
pointers. Abruptly Antoine shuts off the music and sits
down. “The hairdresser will be back,” he tells the
man.
That’s right, I spoiled the ending. And I’d do it
again. Hell, you could see it coming all the way from
1947, but you had to endure all manner of foreign
bullshit before it finally arrived. I mean, you’ve got
to be fucking kidding; a whole movie about a fucking
relationship in a fucking barber shop? What kind of
frog-gigging one-trick stage play ratshit is this?
I’m sure the message is something about
appreciating the time you have with your partner, blah
blah blah, but why make the entire audience sick and old
with your sordidly sentimental view of romance while
you’re at it? Wouldn’t you know it, the real moral of
the story turns out to be that the sweet and beautiful
woman’s form of love proves to be the most hurtful and
selfish imaginable. Bravo, Frenchy.
This tale of an aging Frenchman, interspersed
with childhood flashbacks of a young Frenchboy, is
simply maudlin. It really makes the 81-minute running
time seem so much longer and more painful than it
actually is that it literally took me all fucking day to
get through this thing. And as glorious as Mathilde
seemed I was practically praying for her death before
the film was even halfway through, just to get the
wretched thing over with.
Speaking of dragging things out there are, of
course, several bonus features. These consist of a
theatrical trailer and two featurettes, “LeConte on
LeConte Part One,” with the director, and “The
Hairdresser’s Recollections,” with star Anna Galiena.
And if you think I’m gonna sit still for either one of
those then you can go and suck a dog’s dick.
Now, thanks to this shitpot of love, I can no
longer stand Arabian music. Which before I thought was
pretty keen. Even the concept of belly dancing is no
longer appealing to me, and who doesn’t like a good
belly dance now and again? Nice going, twench.
In French, with English subtitles.
Oh, yeah, just one more thing: Fuck you, Roger
Ebert.
(Thanks
to Exploitation Retrospect – www.dantenet.com)
|
|
MIRRORS
Directed by Alexandre
Aja
Watching Queefer Sutherland usually makes my skin crawl.
I mean, all the way back to Lost Boys. Hell,
I might even actually watch 24 if anyone but
he were playing Jack Bauer. But the advertisements for
Mirrors
looked even creepier than its star, so I figured it was
worth a look. And for the most part it is.
The film begins on an ominous note of familiarity
as a lone individual runs panicked through the sickly
green-tinted halls and platforms of a
New York
subway station. The fact that he appears to be a
security guard himself makes his situation even more
desperate. Blockading himself in a locker room the man
seems secure for the moment, until all of the locker
doors slowly creak open, a mirror in each reflecting his
terrified visage. Turning to the large mirror over the
sinks the guard makes a feeble attempt at begging for
mercy from an unknown entity, even as the mirror begins
to fracture and his own image suddenly becomes savagely
hostile.
Roll opening credits, then cut to a clock radio
sounding an eight
o’clock alarm. Ben Carson (Queefer) gets up,
takes a shower, then grinds a pill up into a glass and
swills it down with tap water. Ben, it turns out, is a
former detective with the New York Police Department,
currently on suspension after having shot and killed
another officer in an undercover SNAFU a year ago.
Separated from his wife Amy (Paula Patton), who retained
custody of their children Michael and Daisy, Ben’s been
fighting alcoholism for some time. He’s now unemployed
and living with his sister Angela (Amy Smart).
On top of three months’ sobriety however, things
start to look up when Ben finds a job as a night
watchman and begins working as a security guard at the
old Mayflower department store. Destroyed by fire five
years ago, left dark and stained by smoke damage, the
immense store resembles a decayed mansion more than a
shopping center. The fact that the old building used to
house St. Matthew’s hospital doesn’t make it any less
ghostly. When Ben relieves daytime guard Lorenzo Sapelli
(John Shrapnel) on his first shift, as Sapelli shows him
around Ben comments upon how clean all of the mirrors
are in the midst of the wreckage. Sapelli tells him that
this was the work of Gary Lewis, the guard whom Ben is
replacing. “He was completely obsessed with these damn
mirrors. Spent the entire night cleaning them.”
Later Ben drops by the old homestead to celebrate
his son’s birthday, and for his efforts is given some
amount of shit by Amy for coming around unannounced.
Even as Ben makes the point that he’s trying to change,
the reunion does not go well.
Back at the department store the next night, Ben
makes his rounds. The sinister old ruin, still filled
with charred mannequins, definitely fits the description
of a haunted place. That haunted feeling gels as Ben
notices a fresh handprint on one of the mirrors; as he
tries in vain to rub it off, he notices that there are
prints covering the entire surface of the
floor-to-ceiling looking glass.
During the following night the atmosphere of the
Mayflower grows increasingly spooky. The handprint
mirror fractures under Ben’s touch, just before he’s
suddenly overcome by hideous hallucinations of burning.
When he recovers Ben finds Gary Lewis’ wallet on the
floor of the department store, and it doesn’t take him
long to match the name to the one Sapelli gave him or
the locker that still holds
Gary’s
belongings. Searching through the wallet for clues,
folded up among the bills Ben finds a sheet of notepaper
with a single word on it: ESSEKER.
Anguished screams draw Ben deeper into the
Mayflower, and his frantic search for their source
reveals a chilling disparity; the images in the glass
appear to reflect another more painful reality, one that
seems to have captured the anguish of those who perished
in the great fire.
Meanwhile, back at home, Michael is already
experiencing some unwanted intrusion from behind the
mirrors.
The following day Ben receives a package from
Gary Lewis. The box is filled with clippings on the
Mayflower fire, and when Ben goes to the job site to
talk to Sapelli about it the old man tells him that
Gary’s body
has just been found in the subway station. Straightaway
Ben goes to see Amy on the job at the police morgue and
asks to see
Gary’s
corpse. It’s no surprise that the body is that of the
guard we saw in the beginning, and when Ben demands to
see Gary’s
file he notices a discrepancy in one of the crime scene
photos: the mirror image just doesn’t match the scene.
Ben tries to explain all of this to Amy, but she is
skeptical in the face of his claims about the evil
mirrors. “What medication are you taking to stop
drinking?” she asks him. Ben hands over the prescription
bottle. “That’s a strong drug. It has a lot of serious
side effects.”
Meanwhile, at her apartment Angie is preparing
for a bath. Gracing us with some ass and side boob she
climbs into the tub, watched with quiet hostility by her
reflection in the mirror. When the reflection takes
action Angie is forced to mimic its movements, and sadly
she comes to a very gruesome end. So gruesome in fact
that even Ben’s buddy Larry (Jason Flemyng) is startled
when he is called in to investigate the crime scene.
When Ben arrives and pushes his way through the
assembled police officers, he is so overwhelmed that he
vomits into the sink.
Brushing off even Amy’s pleas to come stay with
her and the kids, not wanting them to fall under the
lethal spell of the glass, Ben heads to the Mayflower
and tries to destroy the mirrors. But they are
impervious even to gunfire, as the spider webs of
shattered glass shrink in upon themselves and the bullet
holes are sealed over. When Ben desperately asks the
mirrors what it is that they want from him, a nail-thin
name carves itself into the glass: ESSEKER.
Ben asks Larry to run down the name for him, but
to no avail. In the news clippings he received there are
multiple references to Mayflower head of security
Terrence Berry, who admitted to setting the Mayflower
blaze but claimed that ‘the mirrors’ were the ones who
killed his wife and three children.
Berry is
now deceased, but Ben visits the hospital where he
resided until his death. There he is shown a videotape
of Berry,
seriously disfigured by burn tissue, explaining that the
mirrors killed his family because he couldn’t find
ESSEKER. Ben makes a connection, and rushes over to
Amy’s house.
There he removes every mirror he can carry, and
is in the process of painting over the immovable
fixtures when Amy arrives home. The children are already
frightened, and Amy is concerned for a number of
reasons. Not the least of which is Ben’s front lawn
target practice on one of the mirrors in a failed
attempt to demonstrate their unearthly nature.
Embarrassed and shaken up Ben takes off to search
for additional clues, only to narrowly avoid an accident
when his car’s rearview mirror acts up. Exploring the
flooded basement of the Mayflower, Ben follows the old
hospital signs to a walled-off portion of the
underground labyrinth. Breaking through the
water-damaged brick he comes across a chamber of
reflecting glass, in the middle of which sits a solitary
chair. Fitted with arm and leg restraints.
After a spooky encounter in the glass room Ben
again contacts Larry, this time to try and find medical
records from the hospital. As the institution has been
closed for over 50 years this may prove a daunting task,
but Ben is convinced that ESSEKER is the key to the
mystery of the horrors in which he is involved. And he
may be right: Larry manages to find a file on one Anna
Esseker, age 12. But it’s not because of any relation to
the Mayflower that Larry was able to find her file, it’s
because of an unsolved case dating back to October 6,
1952. On that date all of the psychiatric
patients of St. Matthew’s apparently died in a
murder-suicide slaughter that resulted in the hospital’s
closure.
As Ben reviews Anna’s file he learns that she was
a violent schizophrenic, but also finds an inconsistency
that indicates she may have been released from the
hospital only days before the massacre. When Ben holds a
picture of Anna up to a mirror, the glass literally
cracks with wicked anticipation.
At Amy’s house, meanwhile, she finds Michael
talking to a mirror in his bedroom. When she calls him
away his reflection remains in the glass, staring at
her. Amy calls Ben, and the two frantically cover all of
the reflecting surfaces in the home; mirrors are painted
over, and newspapers are hung over the windows.
With his family temporarily ‘safe,’ Ben drives
off to see what he can find out about Anna Esseker in
the hope that he can prevent any further deaths.
There is still a full half-hour of running time
left, but it all goes toward building an escalating
series of shocking and unnatural scenes as the riddle of
the mirrors becomes increasingly dangerous and time
becomes increasingly short. There are a number of very
effective twists and a shocking moment or two, all very
much worth watching.
The special effects, by Gregory Nicotero and
Howard Berger, are for the most part incredibly
effective. The unrated version really showcases the
gore, concentrating on a few spectacular demises rather
than providing a watered-down finger-painting of blood,
guts and victims. Aside from the gruesome burn makeup
the viewer is treated to such visuals as a face being
slowly pulled apart, a throat sliced clean through the
windpipe, and the like.
Among the optical effects there are some
impressive blizzards of broken glass, and even the
kaleidoscopic opening credits trigger a sense of vertigo
as mirror images of the cityscape tumble together from
all angles. There are a couple of scenes utilizing that
Francis Bacon / Joel-Peter Witkin blurry head effect
that’s been over-used since Jacob’s Ladder,
but that can be lived with. And as mentioned before, the
very setting of the Mayflower itself is particularly
conducive to the chilling nature of the story.
The ending may be a little heavy on the action
hero/video game stylization, one that doesn’t entirely
mesh with the atmosphere of suspense and investigation
that preceded it. But as a violent multi-staged
conclusion it is definitely not without its excitement.
And the creature Ben ends up confronting is kind of
spectacular in its own right as a fevered example of
sick horror.
And then there’s the secondary Twilight
Zone-style ending that wraps it all up… (Which,
together with the preceding climax, makes for a much
better finale than the sappy, candy-ass, douchebag new
age alternative ending found as an option on the
DVD.)
All in all a most welcome surprise, even if the film is
another take-off of the Asian vengeful spirit horror
movie. (With a touch of The Haunting of Hill
House here as well.) Mirrors is
genuinely unsettling in parts, and with a keen storyline
matching solid pacing, acting and effects this is
definitely one of Hollywood’s better horror remakes.
(After remaking Wes Craven’s The Hills Have
Eyes Alexandre Aja here reworks Sung-ho Kim’s Korean
thriller Geoul
Sokeuro, AKA Into the
Mirror.) Check it
out.
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MURDER SET PIECES
Directed by Nick
Palumbo
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|
MY BLOODY VALENTINE
(2009)
Directed by Patrick
Lussier
Yet another in a long series of slasher remakes, My Bloody
Valentine was actually the last film I saw in a
theater. The experience was so underwhelming that I
haven’t been back since, not even for the addictive
popcorn butter. Not necessarily because of the film
itself however; I was barely able to concentrate on the
movie. Between the drunken local brillo-bags whispering
throughout the entire film down front, and the doped-out
fairy alternately screaming and cackling hysterically
somewhere behind, the ambiance was a little distracting.
And having to wade through the bums washing their hair
in the restroom sinks after getting out of the
shit-filled stall didn’t add much to the experience or
the appetite. Oh yeah, and then there’s the fact that
the lousy theater showed this 3D film in 2D only.
Fucking AMC. I’m no fancy lad, but if I’m paying for
goods and services, including ridiculously overpriced
food and drink, how about a little actual service? I
know it’s too much to ask underage minimum-wage slaves
to provide this, or other customers to exert any sense
of decency or courtesy, but for fucksake, man! Anyway,
once this came out on DVD I promptly rented it to watch
it at home, where I could clog my own toilet, wash my
own hair, and get loaded and chortle like a dick as I
saw fit.
The film opens with a montage of newspaper
articles accompanied by voiceover reporting of the
Valentine’s Day collapse at the Hanniger Mine. The
owner’s kid, Tom Hanniger, apparently failed to properly
bleed the gas lines, which led to an explosion and
subsequent cave-in. The lone survivor of the disaster,
Harry Warden, allegedly murdered the other miners
trapped underground with him in order to preserve his
own air supply.
One year later, Warden remains in a coma at
Harmony
Memorial
Hospital.
That is until a vivid dream of the explosive collapse
snaps him awake and the killing begins again. By the
time Sheriff Burke (Tom Atkins) arrives on the scene the
hospital is littered with bodies and body parts.
Including a human heart left in a box of chocolates
along with a bloody holiday greeting. Harry himself is
nowhere to be found.
At the Hanniger Mine that night the useless local
punks are having a party, ironically attended by Tom
Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) and his girlfriend Sarah (Jaime
King). The party is crashed by a psycho in a gas mask
and mining coveralls, and bodies rapidly begin to pile
up: one kid gets his eyeball driven out of his skull,
another has his face split with a pickaxe, and a girl
has her head severed at mouth level with a shovel in a
nice and grisly half-decap Day of the
Dead-style scene.
Our protagonist Tom is left alone in the mine
with the killer when Sarah is driven away from the scene
by Axel (Kerr Smith), the boyfriend of her girlfriend
Irene (Betsy Rue). The killer closes in on Tom, and it
looks like curtains for him until Sheriff Burke shows up
and blasts the killer, now largely recognized as Harry
Warden, several times with his service revolver. As Tom
lies on the ground in shock, covered in blood, Harry
retreats into the crumbling mine.
Ten years later the town is still talking about
the Valentine’s Day massacre that claimed 22 lives. Axel
Palmer is now the county sheriff, married to Sarah, and
cheating on her with adorable borderline jailbait Megan
(Megan Boone), a co-worker of Sarah’s who now happens to
be pregnant. Tom has been away for years, but he now
returns to Harmony to sell the family mine after his
father’s death. Upon being informed by his father’s
unforgiving friend Ben (Kevin Tighe) that the signing of
the paperwork has been postponed, Tom checks into the
local Thunderbird Motel.
Still plagued by his brush with death, Tom pops
some pills as he listens to the truck driver and the
tramp getting it on in the next room. Their night ends
badly; when Irene, Axel’s ex-girlfriend, catches fuck
buddy Frank secretly taping their screwing she grabs a
pistol from her purse and chases after him, naked, to
confront him in the parking lot. Where he gets a pickaxe
through the top of his skull. The gas-masked killer,
dressed in mining attire, chases Irene back into the
motel for a little cat-and-mouse, but the game is
interrupted by the Motel’s diminutive proprietor (who
resembles a miniature Adrienne Barbeau). She gets the
axe as well in a violent puppeteering scene before the
killer returns his attentions to Irene.
As police investigate the scene, taking multiple
photographs of Irene, naked and butchered in
heart-shaped tub with her own heart torn out, Tom pays a
visit to Sarah at her parents’ grocery store. The
reunion doesn’t go so well, but Sarah is evidently moved
nonetheless. That evening Sheriff Palmer receives
Irene’s heart in a Valentine’s candy box, further
fueling local rumors that Harry Warden has come back.
After all, rumor has it that his body was never
found…
That same evening Tom’s appearance at a local bar
nearly causes a riot. The townsfolk still blame him for
the murders, even after all this time, and he’s fresh
out of friends in this part of the world. His old rival
Axel even thinks he might be involved in the most recent
murders, seeing as how Tom shows up on the Motel room
porno tape as he passes by the window of the passed-away
lovers.
The following day Tom has another chat with
Sarah, getting a little more of a lecture than he
bargained for. Properly chastised he goes out to the
mine to talk to Ben, descending into the tunnels by
railcar. From out of nowhere Tom is assaulted by the
pickaxe-wielding madman, who knocks him around before
locking him into an equipment cage. The miner stares at
Tom for a moment, giving off some heavy Darth Vader
breath, then moves on down the tunnel. Where Tom’s
unpleasant escort in the mine, Red, who just happened to
be on the hostile side of the confrontation at the bar,
is on the line trying to get in touch with Ben. When the
killer comes after him Red puts up a good fight, but he
gets it in the skull in the end. As Tom watches
helplessly the unknown miner hacks into the body over
and over again, disappearing just before a party of
other miners arrives.
While getting stitched up at the hospital Tom
tells Ben it was Harry Warden who killed Red. Sarah
happens to be doing some charity work at the hospital,
and when she stops by and starts asking questions Tom
tells her that he went to the mine to tell Ben he was no
longer interested in selling the property. Axel has been
monitoring all of these conversations, and he pops out
now to have an out-of-line confrontation with Tom about
Sarah. Then, to dispel local rumors, Axel tells a tale
of vigilante justice; about how their fathers, and Ben,
took it upon themselves to kill Harry Warden. “And
Sheriff Burke covered it up.”
A search party is formed, and the group from the
hospital, along with Burke and a deputy, head out into
the woods looking for Harry’s grave. They find the spot,
but the shallow hole is empty. Ben and Burke both swear
that Harry was dead when they buried him, but it looks
like putting the legend to rest isn’t going to be so
easy after all.
Axel takes Tom back to the police station, where
Tom goads the sheriff into another fight over Sarah.
After Axel punches him out he wants to lock him up, but
as the other miners confirmed that Tom was trapped in
the cage when they arrived on the scene of Red’s murder
it looks like he’s off the hook.
That night at home Ben sits watch against the
possible return of Harry Warden. Having nodded off over
his shotgun and bottle of whiskey, something awakens the
old miner and he unsteadily gets up to investigate. When
he returns, laughing at himself for “aiming at shadows,”
the killer materializes and does him in. (Another one
right through the eye.) The following day Ben’s
eviscerated body, minus the heart, is found lying on
Harry’s grave.
With panic mounting throughout the small mining
town, Sarah and Megan hurry to lock up the store that
evening. (Pork rinds on the rack – take two drinks!)
It’s a spooky after-hours scene as the lights suddenly
go out and the girls realize they’re not alone. Lots of
screaming and running around follows, with the ladies
eventually locking themselves in the store’s rear
office. In hysterics as the killer begins chopping
through the door after them they try the rear window,
but in the process Megan is abruptly dragged away into
the darkness. Hitting the store alarm Sarah bolts out
the front door, running into Axel right outside as she
does so. Together they go looking for Megan, and find
her cut up in the alley behind the store. Her heart lies
in the candy box between her legs, and the very words
she wrote on Axel’s Valentine’s Day card are written in
blood on the wall behind her.
Meanwhile the killer shows up at the Palmer
household and dispatches the nanny, Rosa. The officer
stationed outside in her patrol car is startled when
Burke shows up, waving a pistol and urgently telling her
that the killer is inside the house right now. As Burke
guards the porch the officer goes inside, where she
finds the Palmers’ son Noah unharmed and
Rosa’s sizzling corpse tumbling
in the dryer. Just as she cries out for Burke the killer
appears on the porch and catches him under the jaw with
his pick. As the point protrudes from the retired
sheriff’s mouth his assailant gives the pickaxe a strong
pull, sending Burke’s jaw hurtling toward the
screen.
Sarah, now at the hospital, gets a cell phone
call from Tom. Tearfully she tries to tell him that
Harry Warden is back, but Tom disagrees; he needs her to
trust him, and he has something important to show her.
When Axel shows up at the hospital ten minutes later,
he’s less than pleased to hear that his wife has checked
out and left with “That nice Tom Hannigan.” At about the
same time Axel gets a call from his deputy, telling him
that the report he requested on Tom has come in. And
he’s really going to want to hear what it says.
And now the film starts to melt down. Over the
next 25 minutes or so it moves from a gory slasher into
a sloppy head game of back-and-forth whodunnitism.
Characters literally chase around blaming each other for
everything before the film finally reaches a conclusion.
Which, with its High
Tension-style ‘surprise’ ending, makes the entire
film seem like a con. The finale just doesn’t sit right;
the whole machismo contest running throughout the film
ends in a weak psychological showdown that simply
doesn’t satisfy. Plus, by this point there’s only one
more killing in the film, which makes all of the drama
hardly worth the effort.
The film is faithful to the genre in many
respects, as there are multiple butchered female bodies
and the requisite bit of T&A. And of course the
shrieking attempts to escape the madman’s rampage. While
the special effects, especially the puppeteering, are
generally very good, they are kind of spotty; you can
actually see the molding seam on the plastic pickaxe in
places, and the CGI blood is pretty evident during
Burke’s murder.
After endless credits there are a number of
special features, including a look at the film’s FX
(“Sex, Blood & Screams”), a barely alternate ending,
gag reel, deleted and extended scenes, etc.
In short, none too stellar.
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MYSTICS IN BALI
Directed by H. Tjut
Djalil
This early Eighties ‘classic’ is a fine Halloween movie,
what with all of the cackling witchery, grotesque
visages and gruesomely cheesy effects. It may not be as
good as the Encounter of the
Spooky Kind films, but it’s definitely aiming for
the same vein.
(Oh yeah, Spoiler Alert!)
Mystics in
Bali starts out on a swell note as dancers in
Indonesian demon costumes cavort behind a credits list
that plays out like the lineup of some Indian voodoo
hip-hop troupe. After a barrage of colorful names we
find “American” author Catherine (Ilona Agathe Bastian;
actually a German broad – check out those furry
armpits!) trying to convince her Balinese boyfriend
Myhendra to help her accomplish some research in the
area of black magic. Specifically Leyak black magic,
“The most terrifying magic there is!” Cathy wants to
learn the way of Leyak through its practice, ‘just the
way she learned voodoo in
Africa,’ and she persuades Hendra
to introduce her to the most infamous practitioner in
the region. And, after a bit of kissy-face in an
above-ground cemetery, Hendra leads her into the jungle
on a dark and stormy night to meet the Queen of the
Leyak.
A disfigured old witch with Freddy Krueger
fingernails and a voice like Yoda on estrogen, the
sorceress’ appearance is preceded by her high-pitched
trademark cackle (not unlike the witches of Western
cinema; play this loud enough and you won’t need any
other soundtrack come Samhain). With much laughter and
theatrics the Queen agrees to take Catherine on as her
“disciple,” and after instructing her to return again
tomorrow night she reaches out her clawed hand to shake
on the deal. Cathy grips the outstretched limb, only to
have the offered hand come off in her own; when she
drops the hand in fright it crawls away and quickly
scampers off after its owner.
The following night the Queen of Leyak gleefully
greets the initiates again, but this time she remains
hidden in the thick jungle foliage. She asks Cathy to
hold her payment of jewels out in the palm of her hand,
and when the girl does so a long spiny red tongue
emerges from the bushes and eagerly laps them up. “Now I
need blood. I’m very thirsty!” From the laundry basket
they’ve brought along, Cathy and Hendra remove five
bottles of blood, each of which the tongue drains in
turn. “Mmm, good, delicious – this is good blood!”
(Cackle!)
For the first lesson Catherine is ordered to take
off her skirt. With some hesitation she does so, and the
tongue, crackling with wicked energy, again reaches out.
This time it scratches some mantras of Leyak in the form
of a dancing demon on the girl’s quivering thigh (“I
need to write the magic spell in a secret place!”). As
Catherine replaces her skirt the tongue extends to her a
“cloth of black magic words” that she is to carry with
her when she returns the following night, at which time
she is also instructed to wear traditional tribal
undergarments. (Hey, wait a minute, are these Leyaks or
Mormons?)
On her way to her lesson the next evening, alone,
Catherine stumbles into a grave – complete with
papier-mache skeleton, white mice and haunted house
‘Woo-oo-oo-ooo!’ effects trigger. As the sound effects
continue (cue owl; cue wolf…) Cathy makes her way to the
site where the ever-hysterical Queen awaits. An awkward
(read: goofy) dance-off/laugh-off takes place, and the
following day, as Catherine meets up with Hendra, she
tells him of how she and the Leyak Master were
transformed into pigs (via a crude and unsightly air
bladder process). Catherine will soon be a Leyak master
herself, she proclaims.
Myhendra takes this troubling news to his Uncle,
hoping that there exists a spell strong enough to
counter the evil power of the Leyak. Of course there is,
asserts Uncle: otherwise the world would have been
completely taken over by now. The secret, Uncle tells
his concerned nephew as they wander through some
beautifully ornate Balinese temples, is in the occult
mantras of holy words. Some of which are imparted to
Hendra on the spot, along with a powerful little kris
dagger.
Later, back at the hotel, Cathy tells Hendra of
the telepathic power she’s received as a result of her
continued lessons. When Hendra hears Cathy’s story of
being transformed into a ball of fire and destroying
another one, he tells her that the flaming ball could be
her soul, and that by extinguishing the other fireball
she may have actually killed someone. “(Gasp!) Hendra,
this is turning into the most horrible nightmare!”
Suddenly Cathy starts to feel very unwell; refusing
Hendra’s offer to fetch a doctor she tells him that
she’s to return to the graveyard tonight where her
ailment will be cured by the Leyak.
But instead of curing Catherine the laughing old
witch puts her into a trance – and in seconds Cathy’s
head unexpectedly detaches itself from her body and
lifts into the air, dragging behind it the girl’s
internal organs. Heart, lungs, intestines, all dance in
the air below the flying head as the witch sends it
sailing up into the night sky. “Catherine, I gave you
invaluable lessons in the black arts,” the Queen says to
the floating horror. “And now it’s time for you to pay.
I’m your mistress and you have to obey my orders at all
times. And now, I will have to borrow your head for a
short time. And then I will obtain total power!”
Elsewhere a pair of men sit outside a house in
which a midwife is helping a pregnant mother give birth.
As they talk with concern about the procedure, the
flying head comes soaring in through a window, striking
the midwife and knocking her right through a wall.
Approaching the terrified mother-to-be the fanged
apparition settles down between her legs and literally
sucks the baby right out of her. When the men
hesitatingly enter the room the head sails right past
them, leaving a dead woman in its wake.
Returning to the graveyard, the head and organs
are reunited with Catherine’s body to the Queen’s crows
of success. Telling Cathy that she is now cured of her
illness, the Queen also promises to retain the girl as
her disciple if she so desires. But, “If you’d like to
stop – perhaps later!” Catherine thanks the evil old
woman for everything, but she thinks she’s learned
enough lessons for one lifetime. As the apprentice takes
her leave, behind her the Queen vows that she’ll never
let her get away.
And sure enough, the following night finds Cathy
once again facing the Queen. But the old witch isn’t
looking so old anymore: at their last meeting she
appeared considerably less hideous than before, but now
she’s practically glowing with youth and vitality. In a
trance-like state the two women dance around in a circle
until they both fall to the ground, whereupon their
faces begin to bulge with scales and their tongues
become forked. Another gooey metamorphosis takes place,
this time turning the women into snakes. Together the
serpents creep across the jungle floor until they come
across a burrow, into which they both descend. A little
lesbian snakewitch action perhaps? No, not quite…
Catherine wakes up in bed with a kiss from
Myhendra. And immediately throws him off as she starts
to gag. Rushing to the bathroom Cathy pukes up a green
mess of slime, corn…and live mice. When Hendra asks her
what’s wrong, Cathy doesn’t know: “All I can recall is
that I saw the Leyak Queen, and we laughed a lot
together, and then we went to this strange place where I
saw plenty of delicious looking delicacies, and I ate a
lot of the things that were on the table…”
A short time later Cathy moves into a private
house to work on her book about Leyak magic. And in no
time at all she begins to suffer additional discomfort –
just before her head tears itself away from her body
and, guts dangling in the wind, flies out of a window.
This last part is observed by the same Balinese girl
who’s been creeping around and peeping at Catherine
throughout the film; a curious look spreads across her
face, and somewhere in the darkness a woman screams.
Catherine wakes up in her bed with a sore throat
and blood on her mouth. “It must have been a dream,” she
says to herself. “Perhaps I was just thinking too much
about my book. But my mouth, the blood – I guess, I bit
my lip!”
The native girl, Maya, goes to speak with Uncle,
who in turn meets with a council of the elders.
“According to the information we’ve got, it seems that
this thing was a flying head!” In the conference that
follows it comes out that another newborn babe has been
slain. Many wise words are spoken, with the end result
being that the Leyak sorceress needs only to consume one
more life before her power is complete. And it goes
without saying that she needs to be stopped before this
can happen.
Shortly thereafter the Queen surprises Cathy in
her bedroom. Her bill of blood needs to be paid tonight,
and, “I just need to borrow your head for a moment!”
After which, of course, Catherine will be released from
her spiritual bondage. And the Queen will stay young
forever. Without further ado Catherine’s head lifts off
into the night, but this time it is spotted by the
villagers. Without hesitation the natives immediately
chase after the flying head with flaming torches, as if
some kind of angry piñata party was taking place. But
the head just smiles and bares its fangs before
disappearing over the treetops.
Meanwhile Uncle has found Catherine’s headless
body, left unattended at the house. Pulling three
skewers from his sash he sticks these upright into the
neck, and is about to leave when he’s surprised by
Myhendra. Who is somewhat perturbed by the sight of his
headless girlfriend. “I must admit,” he says
nonchalantly to his Uncle, “I never thought this thing
would go as far as this.” Just as Uncle is telling
Hendra that it’s too late to save Catherine and that the
black magic must be stopped, the head comes flying back
into the house. Unable to reattach itself with the
wooden spikes in place, the head manages to remove one
skewer with its teeth but is frustrated in its attempts
to pull out the others. With an angry hiss the thing
flies off again, out of sight.
Come daylight and Catherine’s body is placed in
the cemetery, on the ground in the traditional open-air
cage. Uncle convinces Hendra to stand guard with him
over the grave, the plan being that they will meditate
for three nights in a row in order to prevent the head
from rejoining the body. That night they begin their
vigil, accompanied by three acolytes. Sure enough the
flying head shows up, frightening the assistants and
sending them running away into the dark. The Queen is
not far behind; she and Uncle have apparently tangled
before, with Uncle having emerged victorious, and the
bad blood boils over in a moderately unimpressive test
of skills. During the battle Catherine’s head returns to
her body, and the girl turns on Hendra; when Uncle is
distracted by that confrontation the Queen rushes him,
stabbing him in the throat with all ten of her
talons.
As Hendra charges at the Queen with his magic
dagger, Maya comes running into the fray, heading him
off and striking the Queen with a tree branch. The girl
is promptly put down, and with her dying breath she
tells Hendra that she still loves him, despite the fact
that he left her for another woman.
Now both of the witches, the Queen and Catherine
the possessed, descend upon Hendra, and it looks like
his hash is settled. But just then, riding in on a bolt
of lightning from out of nowhere, it’s Uncle’s brother,
“Eteoka, the greatest one of all!” (Hooray! I mean,
Hokey!) The Queen is frightened away by this unexpected
visitation, but as she hobbles on down the road with
Catherine in tow Eteoka stops her with a burning ring of
fire and a wee avalanche. In defense the Queen messily
shape-shifts into a giant sow, but
Oka deflates her form by stabbing
her in the tit with his kris. Instantly she changes into
a masked figure dressed in ceremonial robes and sends
glowing green claws of evil energy after Eteoka. He
returns fire with a serpentine bolt of his own, and
after being momentarily stunned the combatants rise to
face each other again. But it is the rising sun that
determines the outcome, putting the wicked witch down
for good. She melts away in the cheapest possible way,
and as she dissipates so does her unfortunate disciple
Catherine. The End.
In spite of the sensationalism of the story
concept, it must be said that Mystics of Bali
isn’t really all that spectacular. Weird, yes, but the
film suffers from all of the standard detriments: the
effects, acting, fight choreography, and humor fall far
below the standards of the HK school of sorcery. Still,
it is one of those flicks that’s been around for so
long, and mentioned in so many sources, that you really
kind of owe it to yourself to check it out. Perhaps not
exactly top-notch, but as mentioned above it is an
excellent background video for Halloween
parties.
Extras include a trailer and the essays “Mystics in
Bali
& the Indonesian Exploitation Movie” by Pete Tombs
and “How to Become a Leyak!” (“DON’T TRY THIS AT
HOME!”), both of which are as informative as they are
difficult to read. Also provided is a filmography of
prolific director H. Tjut Djalil as well as an
intriguing promo compilation, “More from Mondo
Macabro.”
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I
badly wanted to enjoy this, despite the fact that it
really looked like a cheesy rip-off of the Girls Gone Wild
franchise somehow mixed up with Jackass. (HOSTED
BY WEE-MAN shouts the box.) After all, the premise ought
to be good enough for anyone, what with the promise of
fun, games and nekkidness. What more could one want?
Well, a whole lot more, as it turns out.
At the sprawling playground of “Olympdick Field,”
four ‘international’ teams of dizzy young women in
various states of undress compete in ten ridiculous
events that seem designed solely for the amusement of
drunken frat boys. As an apparently drunken Wee Man and
his equally drunk-on-stupidity bimbo bunny co-host
Shauna deliver lamely scripted commentary (unnecessarily
assisted by a smarmy play-by-play interviewer), our
cadre of clueless broads engage in such spectacles as
the Bigfoot Dildo Race (this one was actually pretty
funny), the Tramp-Oline (pseudo-softcore sorority
lesbianism for its own sake), the Banana Bull, Pool
Volleyball, Whipped Cream (like the Tramp-Oline, but
with whipped cream), the Wall Climb, Whipped Cream-Ups,
Shower Time (more pseudo-softcore), Big Gloves Boxing
and Hot Tub Action (like Shower Time, another playfully
tame Sapphic music video).
This is all preparatory to “The Main Event,”
which is the following day – and on a following DVD.
What we’re left with are a motley assortment of “Special
Features” such as meeting the teams, which is a fucking
endless introduction to the girls supposedly
representing Japan, Russia, France and the U.S.
(although all appear equally anglicized and
stereotyped), Topless Basketball, Stripper Practice
(which these ladies will need after their folks see the
video and stop payments on the dorm room), posing with a
motorcycle (?!) and outtakes (but aren’t they
all?).
If you were a high school kid watching this while
smoking some very bad pot, or if you were paid off by
the producers with beer and sandwiches to bear witness
to the event itself, then The Naked Games
might present some small appeal. To all others however
it serves no purpose whatsoever, just being an
assortment of gag games designed with little more
purpose than to make the boobies bounce. Even this isn’t
always a treat, as some of these naked or half-naked
barely-legals have conspicuous beer bellies and the
asses to match. And all of that softcore lesbian
playtime meant to be so titillating never does quite
manage to develop into anything more than a lethargic
tease which, to those of us with genitals, is fucking
unpardonable. Oh yeah, and then there’s the soundtrack,
the painfully bad Warped Tour-quality tuneage. Even Wee
Man gets the short end of the stick here, given a very
wee role indeed, akin to that of the carny midget used
to draw marks into the depressing burlesque tent at the
back of the fairgrounds. In a word,
disappointing.
(Thanks to
Exploitation Retrospect – www.dantenet.com)
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OUTTAKE REEL
Directed by Jeffry Chaffin and Scott
Feinblatt
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THE PINKY VIOLENCE
COLLECTION
Now this looks to be great fucking box set. Four feature
Toei Company films from the Seventies (“Presented for
the first time anywhere”) complete with plenty of
extras, a CD of songs by “Pinky Violence icon” Reiko Ike
and a special edition booklet, Toei’s Bad Girl
Cinema, written by Chris D. specifically for the
set. Granted, Panik House only sent along two of the
DVDs for review, but based on these two alone this
limited-edition box set looks to be well worth the
$99.95 price tag.
CRIMINAL
WOMAN: KILLING MELODY
Directed by
Atsushi Mihori
You can tell right away this one is gonna be good
– it opens inside a Japanese titty bar, and within
seconds a woman with a great big knife comes charging
out to attack a group of presumed gangsters.
Bussed to prison as the sorrowful Criminal Woman
theme plays and the credits roll, Maki (Reiko Ike) finds
herself in a cell full of other criminal women. Their
various stories begin to come out, shown in flashback:
one reckless hottie got nabbed stealing a police
motorcycle; Yukie is a pickpocket; Natsuko a ruthless
whore; and Masayo (Miki Sugimoto) is a yakuza moll (who
gets picked up for starting a knife fight in a den of
gamblers, topless, her tattoos and bare breasts
flashing). When Maki ignores her cellmates’ inquiries as
to her reckless past she’s put to the test: holding a
length of rope between their teeth she and Masayo duel
it out with glass daggers. This test of honor
degenerates into an all-out catfight, and while Maki
takes a beating she earns respect by refusing to quit.
In fact, amazed by her opponent’s perseverance despite
the thrashing she’s received, Masayo quits the match,
yielding the victory to Maki.
At last Maki tells her new friends her story.
After forcing her father to work as a drug dealer for
them, the Oba Industries clan of the yakuza killed him
when they found out he had become an addict himself. Not
only that, but they gang-raped Maki for his failure as
well. And with this tragic tale Maki wins the hearts of
her fellow convicts for good.
So much so that when, years later, Maki is
released from prison she finds her former cellmates
waiting for her outside the prison walls. She gives them
the cold shoulder at first, but before long the girls
are sharing ice cream and beers and making plans for the
future. Maki in particular has something in mind – to
crush the boss of the Oba clan completely, then kill him
as he did her father. Her friends are all onboard with
this idea, and in no time at all Charlie Chan’s angels
are hatching an elaborate plot for revenge.
Maki quickly builds a nest egg by hooking, and
with this money purchases a sizeable cache of weapons –
automatic rifles, pistols, even hand grenades. Getting
to know their enemy, the girls put it together that the
Oba clan beat out the long-standing Hamayasu clan in a
fierce gang war, but due to the intervention of a
councilman stopped just short of slaughtering the
Hamayasu entirely and instead allowed them to eke out a
living as petty dock contractors. The Oba, meanwhile,
grew rich and prosperous in the underground markets of
drugs and money-lending. The best way to go about
things, scheme the girls, is to fire up that bad blood
and allow the rival factions to kill each other off
before moving in for the final blow.
To this end the vixens pinpoint and assassinate
one of the Oba druglords and have Yukie play the hapless
witness to the ‘yakuza murder.’ Believing Hamayasu’s
“Mad-Dog” son Tetsu to be the culprit, the Oba pay him
and his father a visit. But when they are unkindly
received by the sake-swilling Tetsu the Oba vow to
finish the Hamayasu clan for good. Which is when our
gang of criminal women show up at Tetsu’s hangout with
an inviting crate of firearms…
Meanwhile the virtuous assemblyman Tanno, who
brokered the truce between clans long before, steps in
to prevent further bloodshed. It seems that an untimely
gang war could jeopardize the imminent plans corporate
giant Toto Industries has for developing the dock
region, and if the Hamayasu hold off on further
hostilities they’ll reap the rewards of rich contracts
in the future. This is inconvenient to say the least,
and as the ladies plot the death of Tanno Masayo pays
them an unexpected visit. She was not among the
well-wishers at Maki’s release, instead going back to
her yakuza boyfriend Ogata at the end of her sentence,
and she’s come to warn Maki away from any plans that
might put her man’s life in danger.
Unmoved by Masayo’s veiled threats, Maki goes
ahead with her plot and uses a sniper rifle to take out
assemblyman Tanno. This does not sit well with Oba, who
sends his goons down to the docks in full force to
dynamite Hamayasu headquarters and gun down all
remaining henchmen. During the fray Tetsu sees his
father murdered in the midst of valiant battle, but is
dragged away by his followers before he too is
killed.
Maki and the girls carefully pick off another
couple of Tetsu’s men, and on a roll Maki picks up one
of Oba’s top dogs, Hayami, coming out of a drunken orgy.
But something tips him off, and instead of allowing
himself to be seduced he sticks a gun in her breast and
the next thing we know she’s tied up nearly naked at Oba
HQ. Maki takes a brutal beating but refuses to talk,
even when her captors try to intimidate her by using a
chainsaw to lop the breasts and head off of a
mannequin.
At this point Masayo steps in to help, saying
that only another woman can make a woman truly feel
pain. Putting a cigarette out on one of Maki’s nipples,
an act that puts off even the hardest of the gangsters,
Masayo uses the distraction to pass the captive a
straight razor. When Hayami comes down alone some time
later to ‘get a good taste of her’ Maki slashes his face
and holds the blade to the startled gangster’s throat
until he tells her where Oba’s big 300-million yen drug
deal is going down. Satisfied that she has everything he
knows, Maki slits his throat.
As the exchange is made late at night on the
wharf, Maki’s girls spring into action by hurling
Molotov cocktails and a hail of bullets at the
gangsters, using the chaos they’ve caused to make away
with the drugs. Convinced Tetsu is behind this latest
outrage Oba begins planning another slaughter, but is
interrupted by a surprise visit from Maki. Claiming to
have sold his drugs to Tetsu she offers Oba a chance to
get them both by giving away their hideout – for a fee
of 30-million yen.
Oba’s men storm the abandoned ship Maki has told
them serves as Tetsu’s hiding place, only to be ambushed
by Tetsu and his grenade-hurling henchmen. A violent
shootout ensues, with many casualties taken on both
sides, but in the end Oba discovers that Tetsu doesn’t
have the drugs – he doesn’t even know anything about
them.
And that’s when Maki pushes the final
confrontation with Oba. But even then the story isn’t
over; in gangster sagas there’s always another score to
settle, and it always involves some element of poetic
justice…
This one has everything a classic pulp film
requires: babes behind bars, drunken brawling, dope,
guns and fucking, angry topless women, brutal murders,
knife fights, tattooed ladies, explosions,
catfights…and, as if one was really needed it after all
of that, an actual plot. I can’t tell you how much fun
this film was to watch; if you are lucky enough to find
it, load up beforehand on sake and Japanese snacks and
be sure to make a party out of it.
The film also stars
Chiyoko Kazama, Masami Soda, Shinzo Hotta, Seiya Sato,
Keiichi Kitagawa and Johnny Sako’s Yumiko Katayama.
Special Features include original theatrical trailer,
audio commentary, poster & still galleries,
production notes on the Pinky Violence tradition and Criminal Woman’s
place therein, and biographies of the director and
stars.
* * * *
DELINQUENT
GIRL BOSS: WORTHLESS TO CONFESS
Directed by
Kazuhiko Yamaguchi
A group of female students at Akagi Reformatory
is gathered for a screening of Hokkaido’s Great
Outdoors, but instead find themselves cheering for
screen idol Ken Taka Kura in Abashiri Prison.
The principal quickly catches on that this is not the
educational film he was expecting and cancels the
screening, nearly inciting a riot among the girl’s
school inmates.
To cool off the girls strip down and hit the
baths, where we’re first introduced to the bad attitude
of rose-tattooed Midori Muraki (Yumiko
Katayama).
Upon her release a year later “sassy bitch” Rika
(Reiko Oshida) pays a visit to Muraki Automotive in
Shinjuki just as “old man” Muraki is being shaken down
by gangsters for the debts racked up by his daughter and
her worthless boyfriend Hamada. Rika had met Mr. Muraki
at the reformatory when he had tried to visit his
daughter and been rejected, and Rika remained touched by
his devotion in light of Midori’s apparent callousness.
The kindly old man warns Rika away from the corrupt town
but still offers her a job and a spare room to help her
get on her feet.
Rika goes to see her old school chum Midori, now
working as a go-go dancer, but Midori wants nothing to
do with her or her father. Rika does meet up with a real
friend from Akagi, Yuki, who is now working for her
family’s ramen shop and who demonstrates her
overexcitement at seeing her long-lost friend by sliding
a hand into Rika’s jumper (providing a tantalizing hint
at what life inside the reformatory was really like).
Yuki’s mother serves up a reunion dinner for her
daughter and her young school friends, including Choko
and Senmitsu from the Ginza Girls Cabaret who advise
against looking up another pal, Mari, for reasons best
left unspoken.
Rika visits Mari (Yukie Kagawa) anyway, and finds
her friend working as a nude junkie-looking ‘model’ at a
public ‘art studio.’ She lives with and cares for an
ailing former yakuza boyfriend, Arai, and despite the
poor circumstances the three of them manage to have a
celebratory meal together. It even turns out that Arai’s
younger brother is truck driver Ryuji, who’s had the
hots for Rika ever since she and Mr. Muraki’s dimwitted
assistant Makao ran into him a day or so
before.
Meanwhile Hamada’s losing streak continues, he
racking up gambling debts and beatings at a record pace.
Mari has built up some debt herself in caring for her
boyfriend, and by leaving them unpaid has made a bad
name for herself around town. But seeing as how she’s
their “street sis,” Rika encourages the girls to band
together and help her out. Before long the group of them
manages to wrangle Mari a job at the Cabaret performing
as “Miss Akagi.”
Some time later Ryuji pulls Rika out of an alley
fight with members of the local yakuza faction the Ohya
Family. As she’d been holding her own Rika is somewhat
less than grateful, but Ryuji ends up so thrilling her
on a near-death freeway ride that she has to ask him to
pull over, her tough-girl façade having finally
cracked.
Coming home Rika is none too surprised to find
Midori ransacking her father’s office. An emotionally
charged scene follows, ending only when Mr. Muraki
himself steps in. Midori runs away, and in the aftermath
Muraki explains that she is the accidental child of a
liaison with a geisha, and once Midori found out about
this she started striking out against the
world.
Mari’s new job opens up a window for her and
Arai, with the new income providing the possibility of a
real hospital for him. However, as there must always be,
there is a hitch; Mari has recently discovered that
she’s pregnant. Arai urges her to keep the baby, “this
time,” swearing that he’ll raise the money for a new
family somehow.
Meanwhile Muraki gets shaken down by the Ohyas
yet again, who this time are joined by Hamada. Midori’s
boyfriend shamefully blackmails Muraki with the threat
of what might happen to his daughter if the old man
doesn’t pay off her boyfriend’s gambling debts. Muraki
gives them his last yen, but with his property being
held as collateral Rika and Makao fear that he may lose
that as well. Paying a visit to the Ohya-owned club
where Midori dances, Rika asks a favor from Mr. Ohya
himself; return the money and she’ll do anything. Of
course the scar-faced gangster’s first request is,
“Strip naked right here,” which Rika begins to do; but
overhearing the party Midori bursts in and offers
herself in Rika’s place.
Both women are immediately taken hostage, and
Ohya telephones Muraki to say that they will only be
spared in exchange for the deed to his land. Muraki
arrives at Ohya HQ, but instead of the broken down old
man everybody expected he instead arrives as Tetsu the
Razor – the very man who put the scar on Ohya’s face
during a gang war twenty years ago. His appearance so
cows Ohya that he apologizes and lets the girls go. But
not without some bad feelings; when Arai shows up to
tell his former boss that he’s leaving Shin-town for the
fresh air of the country and a brand new start, Ohya
charges him with one last job: Kill Muraki in exchange
for the 300,000 yen they’ve just taken from the old
man.
At a fish stew and sake shop that night Rika,
Midori and Muraki share drinks, potatoes and family
bonding. Midori is properly shamed by the fact that her
father, who she has treated so badly for so many years,
has come to her rescue, and he in turn is simply
grateful to be back in her good graces. All seems well
with them and with the world, and Muraki is so happy to
have his daughter’s affection once again that he stays
behind when they leave to have another victory round.
Drunkenly stumbling home later he provides a perfect
target for Arai, yet unbeknownst to the gangster his
Ohya cohorts have an assassination of their own
scheduled as well. As Arai charges Muraki they’re both
run down by a pair of Ohya mob vehicles; good man that
he is Muraki even pushes his assailant out of the way of
the first truck, but the second gets them
both.
Now completely alone in the world the five women
forge a bond of revenge and, after a brief prayer for
forgiveness, set off to wipe out the Ohya Clan. Storming
yakuza headquarters the girls tear off their trenchcoats
to reveal tight little go-go outfits – and short swords.
They have at the astounded mobsters in a terrific and
bloody battle that’s the highlight of the picture – and
the outcome of which you’ll have to witness on your
own.
Not as thrilling and gloriously sleazy as Criminal Woman,
Delinquent Girl
Boss is still a great story with no shortage of
violent action. And, need I say it, the two of them make
a perfect double-feature. Special features include
trailer, commentary, poster & still galleries,
production notes and brief bios on the director and
stars.
* * *
Re-mastered in crisp and colorful 16x9
widescreen, the Pinky Violence Collection is presented
in original Japanese language with easy-to-read English
subtitles. Highly recommended. (Thanks to
Exploitation Retrospect – www.dantenet.com)
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PLAY-MATE OF THE
APES
Directed by John
Bacchus
Now
normally I’m all for monkey movies. And the idea of a
monkey movie porno? Hell, bring it on! But no sooner had
the credits for Play-Mate of the
Apes begun to roll than I noticed that this was the
brainchild of John Bacchus, the genius behind the
sorry-ass softcore ripoff The Erotic Witch
Project. Which meant that this nudie parody was sure
to be another quick & derivative excuse to get girls
naked in ridiculously goofy situations. Not a terrible
pretense in itself, but when executed in such a silly
and inexplicit way these things often come off as
overly-long bawdy comedy sketches. Especially when this
one opens up with a scene starring one of the most
hideous sun demons to ever sully the tarnished silver
screen . . .
Artificially baked to
an oompaloompa orange, implanted with grotesquely
oversized udders bearing wide blue veins and lumpy
distended nipples (poking out on either side of a
sizable cyst, yet), and sporting a collection of stretch
marks and a veritable pock mark of a groin, this starlet
tops her horrific ensemble with a hawk-nosed acne-pitted
face surrounded with bleached-blond hair extensions and
grafted with a big pair of chewed-bubblegum lips. And
she’s not even one of the apes! She is apparently
supposed to be sexy though, as said creature begins
getting it on (in a non-explicit way, mind you) with
some heliophobic Russian broad, another member of her
all-female astronaut crew. See, these two space
strumpets, plus Misty Mundae and a couple others, are
all currently rocketing through the universe (for some
reason never made quite clear), and they need some juicy
ways to pass the time. Their little joyride literally
comes crashing to a halt however when freakazoid and
pinko chick get so caught up in their nipple-pinching
frenzy that they deploy their landing capsule
early.
Crash landing in a
part of the final frontier that looks remarkably like a
temperate part of California, the women are immediately
captured by the “apes” of the planet. (Or maybe just a
bunch of really stoned guys making bad jokes and wearing
cheap monkey masks, gloves, and an odd assortment of
trendy clothing . . .) In either case the girls are all
dressed up in leopardskin bikinis and caged up with
indigenous savage Darian Caine (as Uvula, a name
apparantly meant as a misappropriation of “vulva”) for
another display of lesbian fakery. And then made to
dance – the difference between humans and apes in this
world apparently hinges upon the ability to dance, and
failure to equal the apesuits’ lame stylings clearly
indicates inferiority. Oh yeah, they rap, too . .
.
Eventually Mundae and
Caine escape, aided by the kindly “Dr. Cornholius”
(haw!) and some big pink gay ape (“Dr. Queerus”). There
follows a shamefully bad reenactment of Heston’s “God
damn you all!” speech in front of a cut-out on a
dirtbike track, the girls meet up with a tribe of
leopardskin & bluejean-wearing humans and rebel
against the apes in a corny choreographed fasion, and
then look out, the “messiah,” or missing link, arrives
in a cardboard disco-ball to lead another fucked-up rap
that turns into a half-baked lesbian orgy. Suddenly the
space broads’ ship is repaired (“It’s amazing what a
little bit of gum and snot can do”), good-byes are said,
and Mundae returns to earth to find it populated by . .
. toy duck people? What the
shit?!
Besides a shitty cup
of coffee, a bad hamburger, or biological warfare, few
things aggravate the soul as much as lousy softcore
wannabe-sleaze. Watching two chicks laughably pretend to
go down on each other while bargain-basement keyboards
muddle away in the background really can’t be anybody’s
idea of a good time. Can it? And if it is, such a sucker
truly deserves to become a Play-Mate of the
Apes. Misty Mundae’s a cutie for sure, but how many
times in ninety minutes can you just watch her take off
her top? Aside from girls stripping down and acting like
they’re on some form of animal tranquilizer, you’ve got
a pile of lame jokes, cheesy music, embarassing rap
& dance numbers, lousy costumes, and ultra-cheap
scenery (the “controls” of the spaceship consist of a
white PVC pipe; points for tiki collector geeks though:
see if you can identify the mugs the apes are drinking
from when the girls make their escape). Oh yeah, and
some really, really bad acting. I suppose it could all
be taken in good humor, but porno and “all in good fun”
rarely go hand-in-hand. For an adult film called Play-Mate of the
Apes the least you could expect would be a bunch of
guys in monkey masks gang-banging some broad and maybe
making a few bad banana split jokes. There’s probably a
market for that kind of thing, right? But the way this
thing went it’s just a sad and painfully long
hemorrhoid-inducer that, frankly, sucks hiary matted
monkey ass. One point for tits and monkeys, and that’s
it.
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